lollydancer

Billy Wrinkles

2009-04-24T13:22:00.001-07:00

We love you, Billy!

Trip to Chi-Town

2009-03-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I just returned from my trip to Chi-town where I was able to hang with my dearest sis B and her children. Our sis L came from N.Y. to meet B for the first time. It was another great sibling connection for the tow of them and now L just has S, R, and J to meet and then she will have met the whole family. It was an awesome trip and as well as positively divine to get out of town. I even had a fun date on my last day in town. We visited the Chicago Art Institute and saw some intriguing installations of modern art and photography,
Two of my favorite kinds of art!

I always love spending time with B, we have a sweet and unique connection as I do with all my siblings in different ways, but it's so hard to leave her when are visits come to an end. She is such a strong woman, mamma, and an incredibly smart and efficient worker, student, writer, etc. I can't say enough great things about her. You Rock B! You're an inspiration to me and I love you.

L and I got a day together with the kids. It was fun but also challenging. Each one of those kids have such strong and unique personalities, none of which are passive, which makes for an interesting interaction. I love them all dearly.

L got one of her first opportunities to put her auntie skills to work and she did great! She directed the children and played with them too. She helped make dinner and after the children went to bed she stayed up and packed their lunches. Such a great auntie! I think L and I both got a small sense of what B does each day for her babies and it's no small feat, that's for certain.

Anyway, I have a soft spot in my heart for Chicago, even though I can't really imagine living there. It's so fun to visit and it carries plenty of good memories for me as well as being home to my dearly loved family. I can't wait to visit again soon.

2009-03-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

My favorite quote-of-the-day, gleaned from face book...

"They have lots of illusions!"

Fiction

2009-02-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

Below is a “fiction” piece that I am working on for my creative writing class. It is a work in progress and I am not sure where it’s going, what the character will experience next, etc. I am kind of at a stand still with its progression. I am trying to keep in mind that “only trouble is interesting,” at least as far as stories go. I am open to comments and/or suggestions.

Nothing Ordinary

Blue woke in the early morning hours. Her eyes lazily opened, not knowing for sure if she was ready to fully wake.
“I can’t believe I sleep with electronic devices,” Blue mused loudly to herself. “How pathetic! I have officially turned into a twenty-first-century single girl who falls asleep next to an open laptop.” She glanced over to the space next to her where a lover once slept, following a mass of jumbled cords laying there. One led to an IPod that charged off the laptop computer, the other led to her cell phone that doubled as her alarm clock. Its loud ring tone jarred her awake each morning.
She stretched out her arms toward the ceiling, yawned deeply, reluctantly pulled back her warm covers from the bed. She placed each foot onto the cold hardwood floor, right foot, left foot, then stood up and made her way slowly toward the kitchen. If she could quickly get to the coffee press, maybe the static in her head would subside, sort of float away in a scalding hot deluge of caffeine.
#

Blue came from a rip-torn childhood interpolated between a life she did not choose and the lives she had not lived yet. Even at a young age, she was acutely aware of this. When Blue was seven years old, her father built a wooden, make shift camper on the flat bed of his old ford truck. He installed a set of bunk beds and a wood stove, loaded up his family and hit the open road. Blue watched the world go by from the window of the big, red Ford truck her family called home. She remembered the scorching, blue sky reflecting down on her day after day with such intensity that it burned upon her soul a terrible feeling of loneliness, a loneliness so deep that every now and again she can still sense it lingering there like a monster underneath her childhood bed. Blue’s saving grace was her four sisters who became her best friends, her pseudo-children, and her loyal playmates. Most of all, they were her compass, for where ever they were she was too and as long as they were together, they were home.
Blue and her family must have drive a million miles, maybe more, with no particular destination. There was no such thing as one destination after all just an eternity of power lines and factories that poisoned the tumbleweed neighborhoods scattered along the endless roads of anywhere USA. The whole world seemed to be full of mostly all the wrong things, Blue decided, and she wanted to grow up and make it all brand new. At least she wanted to try.
#

Blue lived alone now for the first time in all of her 28 years of existence. It was quite an adjustment for her, especially since there was no one around to take care of anymore, no one to be responsible for; no partners, no children, no siblings. After all, her siblings were older now and they moved away, gotten married and started families of their own. Some had chosen to move to far away states, leaving the past as far behind as possible. But she had remained living in the same city her parents had finally settled the family in 15 years before, yet even they had moved elsewhere. Save for a handful of lasting friends, Blue was alone.

She wasn’t exactly sure why she was still in the small town, after all, it was largely unexciting and each passing year it felt as if it was closing in tighter and tighter on her. Yet, a part of her felt like the city had become her home somehow, even though in many ways the concept of “home” was foreign to her. But the little city had become as familiar as an old friend. She had walked each one of its streets a thousand times or more and she knew each one by name. Blue recognized many of the local faces and became accustomed to the gestured greetings of friendly nods and knowing smiles that replaced the need for words. She knew all the best places to hike and the most convenient places to shop. Blue took pride in knowing where all the mom-and-pop restaurants were that had the best food in town. She knew all the little hole-in -the-wall bars where one could, on particular nights of the week, find a variety of music, comedy, or open mic readings of poetry and prose. She had created a kind of community there in that small town, and it gave her a strange, unfamiliar sense of belonging.
On certain days she wanted nothing more than to leave, to go see the world or move to one of the states where her sisters lived. The possibilities were endless really. However, on other days she reveled in the familiar comfort of the small city and could never imagine leaving it for all the money in the world.
#

One morning the phone rang and abruptly woke Blue from her sleep. She grabbed the phone and pushed the snooze button thinking it was her alarm going off. But the phone continued to ring incessantly. Blue realized that someone was calling her so she picked her phone up and in a drowsy voice she slowly said, "hello."
The voice on the other line was muffled by a seemingly bad connection. She heard the faint sound of a woman’s voice coming through the static noise.
“Hello, is this Blue?” the woman asked.
“Yes, who is this?” Blue asked. “You don’t know me,” the woman replied sheepishly, “ and this may sound strange, but I was wondering if you could meet with me sometime today. I have something that I need to discuss with you in person.”
Blue thought about it for a minute. She wondered what the
woman could possibly have to tell her. She was confused, slightly worried, but also curious about who this woman was and what she wanted from her exactly. She figured that if she met her in a public place it would be safe to meet the mysterious woman.

“O.K.” Blue agreed. “Meet me at the Main Street Coffee Shop in one hour.” Blue paused for a minute and then asked,
“How will I know who you are? I don’t even know what you look like,” Blue said.
“Don’t worry about it,” the woman quickly replied. “I know what you look like, I’ll find you.”
Blue hung up the phone and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. Her stomach wrenched with nervousness as she mulled over what just happened. She wondered anxiously about what the woman had to tell her. She got up and quickly dressed herself. She wanted to arrive at the coffee shop before the woman would, she figured it would give her some kind of advantage over the awkward situation where she had little control over what was about to happen. Blue brushed through her short, auburn hair, slipped on her shoes, then grabbed her coat and flew out the door. She walked the familiar streets of downtown, but they seemed different to her now. Maybe it was just the excitement of meeting a stranger on an otherwise ordinary day, or maybe it was the way the light illuminated the city. Blue wasn’t sure exactly how, but she knew something was different. She knew that whatever the woman was going to tell her, whatever she had to say would change Blue’s life forever.

my favorite songs of late...

2009-02-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

2009-02-12T22:35:00.001-08:00

Mine was a rip-torn childhood
interpolated between the echos of lifetimes past
and the lives I had not yet lived.

I watched the world go by for days
out of the window of the big, red Ford truck
we called home.

The scorching blue sky
reflected through the window
and burned a terrible feeling of emptiness so deep
inside me that I can still sense it
now and then groaning like a monster under the bed.

My four sisters became my best friends,
my pseudo-children, and my playmates.
Most of all, they were my compass, for where ever they were
I was too and together we were home.

We drove a million miles, maybe more,
with no particular destination.
There was no such thing as one destination after all
just an eternity of power lines and
factories that poisoned tumbleweed neighborhoods
scattered along the endless roads of anywhere USA.

The whole world seemed to be full of mostly all the wrong things
and I wanted to grow up and make it all bran new.

The media's role in the oppression of women.

2009-01-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a tantalizing book assigned to me in my History of U.S. Media class called Mightier Than the Sword, by Rodger Streitmatter. There's a particular chapter that focuses on the attempts of U.S. media to inhibit the progress of women's rights. Some of the information in this chapter is so baffling that I am compelled to blog about it. So here are some quotes and snippets that I came across. Enjoy and try to keep them in mind on days where you might find yourself wondering how sexism is still so prevalent and embedded in some men and in society at large.

According to the book, a group mostly made up of women and a few men, gathered together in July of 1844 in upper New York to proclaim that "liberty wasn't the province of men alone but was - or should be- the birthright of women as well."
In a nut shell, women had begun to stand up and speak out to gain basic human rights that they had long been denied. Thus began the beginning (for the most part) of the woman suffrage era.

"Threatened by the possibility that women might be rising from their second - class citizenship to command a share of the male power base," Streitmatter wrote, "the men who dominated the institution of journalism either ignored the Women's Rights Movement or wrote about it in a tone of mockery and disdain."

Streitmatter wrote that the common belief of the time was that the distinct division of roles had to be faithfully adhered to for the well-being of the country, according to the American media of the late 1700's and 1800's, because women lacked the ability to succeed in the public worlds, as they were intellectually as well as physically inferior to men.

There were no publications by or about women until 1792 when the Ladies Magazine
finally came into print. Although it was about women, it was owned by a man and still upheld and printed sexist ideals like, "The number of women who have solid judgement is very small." Other magazines, according to Streitmatter, printed similar remarks such as, "The author of nature has placed the balance of power on the side of the male, by giving him not only a body more large and robust, but also a mind endowed with greater resolution, and a more extensive reach."

Steitmatter gives another eloquent example (not) of the Ladies Magazine notions about women, saying "they (the magazine) deemed it essential for a young woman not to consider herself first, but always to place her father's, brother's, or husband's happiness before her own, and that a girl should be taught that her peculiar province is to please, and that every deviation from it is opposing the design of nature."

One magazine published an actual checklist of common errors women committed including "not acknowledging a husband's superior judgment to women voicing their own opinions."

Through all the contempt by society and the media and their attempts to silence the growing uprising, women were able to make their first "dramatic assault on men's political and economic stranglehold" in the summer of 1848. A group of 300 people gathered for a two day meeting in Seneca Falls, New York. By the end of the meeting 68 women and 32 men had signed their name to a Declaration of Sentiments that read, "The history of mankind is a history of repeated injuries and usurpation's on the part of man toward woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her." According to Steitmatter, the twelve resolutions encouraged women to enter the professions and demanded that women be granted property and child custody rights, which they previously were not granted.

This is one of my favorite quotes which the group published in hopes of swaying the press to become more sympathetic to their cause; "In entering upon the great work before us, we anticipate no small amount of misconception, misrepresentation, and ridicule."
In my understanding such is the plight of any group or person who tries to create change in this world of male dominance.

Did you know that the abolition of slaves occurred before women's rights were upheld by law? Not that one should or should not have happened before the other, but it is an interesting fact.
Is it coincidence, fate, or circumstance that the U.S. would have a black, male president before they would ever vote a woman as Head of State? (l love you Obama, but the question remains nonetheless).

The progression and growing strength of the woman's movement fueled the anger of men and the press. The Philadelphia Ledger and Daily Transcript stated, "A woman is nobody. A wife is everything."

The New York Herald wrote, "How did woman first become subject to man, as she now is all over the world? By her nature, her sex, just as the negro is and always will be, to the end of time, inferior to the white race and, therefore, doomed to subjection; but she is happier than she would be in any other condition, because it is the law of her nature."

How hideous these words are, and how they have seemingly echoed their insidious hatred throughout time! No wonder we are a bigoted and sexist nation still today! It will take the courage, strength, and outright hard work to continue the struggle for freedom for everyone, even the gays.

Speaking of sex and the struggle for sexual freedom, Streitmatter pointed out in his book that in an effort to discredit prominent leaders of the movement, newspapers attacked the unmarried status of many of the woman activists. The papers characterized the single leaders, especially Susan B. Anthony, as sexual freaks. According to Streitmatter, the New York Sun wrote, "The quiet duties of daughter,wife or mother are not congenial to those hermaphrodite spirits who thirst to win the title of champion of one sex and victor over the other. These women are entirely devoid of personal attractions, They are generally thin maiden ladies, having found it utterly impossible to induce any young or old man into the matrimonial noose."

As a child I remember hearing similar rhetoric about lesbians and then, at some point, believing it. Maybe that has something to do with my inability to imaging or even consider having an all out relationship with a woman, even after I realized my attraction to them. Just a thought.

I think Jesus was more likely an independent..

2009-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

You all should look up this video from Everclear on youtube called Jesus Christ was a democrat.
You can copy and paste this url from my blog below, for some reason it wouldn't let me upload it to this site.
But it's great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkWhxEMUPY4

Jesus Christ didn’t have blue eyes or blond hair
He looked just like all those people that you want to kill
Spin your hell into a heaven you can sell
Make it look like California with a bible belt
Jesus didn’t look like the boy next door
Unless you live in Palestine
I wonder what you mean by the golden rule
I think it is a scary play on words
I wonder what they taught you back in Sunday school

I bet you think of him
As a nice clean long haired republican, nah
He would be all locked up in Guantanamo Bay
If he were alive today
He would have been a revolutionary wanted by the CIA

I picture him in all the wrong places finding diamonds in the dirt
A Star of David tattoo and a Che T-shirt
Jesus was a left wing radical Jew
Murdered by people like you

If Jesus was a democrat like the bible says he was
I don't think he's going to want to take the blame
For all the awful things you say and do in his name

If Jesus was alive today he would be sad to see
That it is no different than it used to be
He's going to call you out
I am pretty god damned sure
He is going to be angry
He is going to be angry

You want to know what I think?

I think Jesus would have been a card carrying liberal
If he was a young man born in the USA
He would not be "fiscally conservative"
And he wouldn't vote for John McCain
All those so called Christians that you see on TV
Maybe they scare Jesus like they scare me
Kick you the hell out of my temple too
Too many elephants in the room

If Jesus was a democrat like the bible says he was
I don't think he's going to want to take the blame
For all the awful things you people do and say in his name

If Jesus was alive today he would be sad to see
That it is no different than it used to be
Someday he's going to call you out
I am pretty god damned sure
He is going to be mad
He is going to be angry
He is going to be mad
He is going to be mad

You say Jesus loves the little children
And I say I know that's true
I say he loves all the Muslims and the Jews
All the addicts and the porn stars too
You say Jesus died to save us all from a fiery hell
I say Jesus died to save us
Save us from ourselves
Will you save me from myself?

If Jesus was a liberal
Like the red letters say he was
I know he would have big love
For all the killers and the racists
And the bullies in this world

If Jesus was alive today
And you had a chance to meet him face to face
I'm pretty god damn sure that you and your friends
Would find some way to kill him all over again
You would kill him all over again
Again and again and again
Just like you always do
You do just what you always do

"Selah" by Lauren Hill

2009-01-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

Obama, Obama: Thoughts on Inauguration

2009-01-21T00:02:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the Mt. Baker Theater to watch the Inauguration of our 44th President, Barack Obama.
Many of the towns folk were there jammed in shoulder to shoulder, full of hope and pride with tears running down faces. We watched Obama come and Bush go. It reminded me of the stories my grandma told me of the days of old when folks had to watch the news in theaters before cable or t.v. was invented.
The experience was organic and exciting. Historic to be sure.
Below is a kind of poem that I have created by selecting various quotes mostly taken from Obama's Inaugural speech. Enjoy.

America's decline: The challenges are real, many.
But know this America... they will be met!

We have choosen hope over fear,
Peace over discord,
our better history.

All are equal.
All are free.
All deserve a chance for happiness.

Greatness must be earned:
the risk takers,
the doers,
carry us up long rugged paths
in search of new life.

For us, men and woman have struggled
so that we may live a better life.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up,
dust ourselves off
and begin the work of rebuilding America.

A peaceful transfer of power,
a democratically elected president.
Equality!

The sweet victory of this hour,
real and nessesary change.
We pledge ourselves to the hope,
vision, and unity inspired by Barack Obama
our 44th president.

Arethra Franklin belted out,
Obama envoked the
"still waters of peace,"
scattered the gathering clouds,
the raging storms,
and reminds us that
"we the people have remained faithful
to the ideals of our forefathers;"
at war with violence and hatred.

Prepare this nation
for a new age
where war and healthcare
threaten our planet.

The ground has shifted beneath us.
We will harness the wind and sun
to fuel ourselves.

We intend to move forward,
to do our business in the light of day,
and restore trust in government.

Crisis reminds us that without a watchful eye,
the country will not prosper long.

"As for defense," Obama said,
"we reject as false the choice between our safety
and our ideals."

From the greatest cities,
to the smallest village, let all know;
"America is a friend to each nation, every man,
woman and child."

Guided by principles once more,
to harbor peace in Afghanistan,
roll back the threat of nuclear war,
and the causes of a warming environment.

We are a nation of christians, muslims,
and non-believers.
America must enter it's roll
of ushering in a new era of PEACE.

The silence of decent
is on the wrong side of history.
Let clean waters flow
and nourish our minds.

Nor can we consume the worlds
resources without regard
for affect.

At this moment,
a moment that will
define a generations
selflessness, courage,
willingness,
decides our fate.

Values of honesty,
hard work,
loyalty, patriotism,
these things are old.
These things are true.

We gladly accept a new era
of responsibility; the price
and promise of citizenship.
Everyone can join
the most sacred honor.

Who we are,
how far we have traveled
with hope and virtue.

Let us brave the icy currents
and with eyes fixed on the horizon
let us deliver to future generations!

Free write

2009-01-15T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am free to write
silliness, for such things are not easily tangible.
They are round and rough,
frozen, then plucked out of
frosted air drifting dreamily
about like the coldness of ice cream crammed hungrily
into fickle, widened mouths.

I conjure words, sensible and non,
and fit them into complete sentences (or not)
that rumble across crusty fields of imagination
until they reach so much noise pollution that they are stifled; stopped dead in their tracks,
then crushed into eternal particles that float away on hues of blue and red
until only a faint trail is left and it can never truly be decided if they really ever existed or not.

No one will ever really know anything anyway.
For the very act of trying to hold knowledge as truth,
squelches, albeit utterly destroys, the very thing you thought you knew for sure.
Knowledge is slippery like jelly, or more like the worms I chased whose bodies tore in two
underneath my feral fingers when I was a long-haired boy.

Self portrait: Breasts 2

2008-12-26T18:33:00.001-08:00

Recap catch-up

2008-12-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'm often blown away when I think of all the things that happen in life, often one right after the other, and it hardly seems that there's enough time to really absorb them, reconcile them, fully appreciate them, or simply allow yourself time to reflect on them.
The quiet down-time moments are too few and far between and once I get them, I'm baffled at the amount of things life brings my way, and often, at their intensity. But, like the majority of folks in this society, I keep rolling along, try to keep my head above water, try to enjoy life and not lose my head too much, try to remember that the universe has a way of taking care of the things that are out of my control, and learn what I can from each lesson life brings and so on... but damn, don't I wish time would slow down sometimes.

This Christmas day has provided me with the ability to get some good down time and I will now use some of that time to share a little of what my life has been like lately. Many, if not all of you who actually view my blog, likely are my good friends/family who have been my life line in these last few trying months, so you probably know a lot of this stuff already, but perhaps you'll enjoy the photo's.

Here's a big THANK YOU to all of you who have been my shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, giving me emotional support, hugs and hot tubs when I needed them most.
I am soooooo lucky to have the best friends and family that a girl could ever ask for!

Ok... so, I just finished my transfer degree at WCC, which took me an extra year, thanks to the math hoop that I had to jump through which was almost was the death of my mental health. This last one was especially brutal, not just because of all the new mathematical concepts that I had to learn and then spew out on tests, but also because I went through a break-up, then the process of losing our sweet Autumn to cancer.
I try to remember, when times get really stressful, the strength, determination and positive attitude that Autumn always had, even during her last days on this earth. I love you, Autumn.

After Autumn passed, so many of the folks that loved her gathered to celebrate her life. It was so awesome to see Brandie and others folks from the past that have been such an influential part of Autumns life.

Then came the election of America's first black president, a man who ran on the premise of HOPE, and hope is what I have that he can make some positive changes here in the U.S. and abroad. It seemed that everyone in the world rejoiced when OBAMA was elected and Bellingham was no exception. The energy was intoxicating!

Then, our long-lost sister Lisa, the eldest of our fathers children, came and met the majority of the family, at least the part that lives here in the N.W. It was a great reunion (Amy, Serena, and I worked hard to leave our broken hearts at the door) and everyone loves Lisa. She is so our sister and will always be an intricate part of our ever-growing family. I can't imagine life without her now. Welcome sister. May you always find friendship, love and honesty in your siblings.

Lisa got to meet lots of nieces and nephews too!

Jory and Lisa were so sweet together.
Here's the eldest sisters all together (I am the youngest of the eldest, ha)!

Serena and Victoria felt very empowered by the whole event.

Amy was happy to see Lisa again after so many years. I think the two of them have quite a few mannerisms in common, which may come from being family or growing up in Nevada, which they both have did.

It was Amy's 37th birthday too! Wow, not many people get a sister for a birthday present.

Of course, no gathering is complete without a fall or two. Alex was the lucky one this time. He chased his cousin down the hall, rather into the wall, and ended up braking his foot. Luckily, there happened to be a wheelchair standing by randomly. Lisa made a good nurse for Alex.
Mom really loved Lisa too!

Such hams!

All of which brings us up to now. Alex and I just got offered the coolest little house to rent. It's the bottom part of a cool, old house. It has one bedroom and a great big kitchen, a big bathroom with a claw foot bath tub, a creative living room space and a dining room. The place comes furnished and it even has a piano and a porch swing! I am so excited!

Alex and I had a yummy breakfast of omlettes, toast, french-pressed coffee with touch of whipped cream, and pommagranite. Delicious!
I took a Christmas walk with the dogs and my camera today (one of my favorite things to do). I had to get some photos of the magical snow before it melts. I love how snow quiets the noise pollution and illuminates the landscape.

Scout (who is kind of part mine) and Zadie (who I am dog sitting for a friend) are getting along well while their moms are away for the next nine days or so. They like to root around in the snow too.

Happy Solstice, everyone! May your days get longer and your love grow stronger!

Solving my problem (s)

2008-12-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

According to a meditation card that I picked out of a deck in a slightly sad moment, a pre-sleep meditation on a certain problem can often bring solutions in our dreams. One can hone their problems down to a single visual symbol that encompasses the situation. For example, if you are having problems with a partner (or ex-partner), select an appropriate symbol, such as a red rose(a symbol of passion) or a ring (a symbol of eternal love and fidelity)(barf). The card suggests then that by spending five minutes visualizing your chosen symbol in your mind before you go to sleep, and finish off by asking your unconscious for help. In the morning one should be able to scan their dreams for answers.

Hmm...one single visual symbol that encompasses my problem???
Let me think...bleeding roses on a red heart?
No...bleeding hearts gushing on roses? Not...noses bleeding on roses? Red roses with rings attached to broken hearts...getting closer!

But really, how do I encompass the breadth of my problem into one visual symbol?
I think I will visualize a knotted rope whose one end is tied to a sinking ship and the other end to me.
Wait, that's more than one symbol, that's at least three.

Perhaps a jagged knife is best suited for this particular problem.
Or, a jagged knife, a rope, and a bleeding heart shaped boat.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cycles suck. Sometimes I wish I was a robot or a person who really can't feel a thing, or a person who can't fall for love, or a person who can't love...and as much as those things seemingly suck, at least it wouldn't hurt so bad when love goes away, then moves on, and eventually settles somewhere else.
Love makes me into such a dope, then a sucker, and eventually I find myself playing the fool...and not playing it badly either!

Maybe my symbol for tonight should be the joker....

The Fall

2008-11-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

The fall of the rain outside,
as many as the tears I cry.

The fall of my heart
like the fall of a ten thousand leaves
falling from the tip-tip-top of the tallest oak tree

The fall of night
where I find little rest
where I once slept soundly
upon your chest.

the fall of things that were
and are no more

The fall of you and me,
(at least how we used to be)

yet
l
o
v
e

still
remains.

Autumn, Love

2008-11-18T13:50:00.001-08:00

As many of you know, sweet Autumn, beloved family member and friend, has recently journeyed into the inevitable stage of exsistence we call death, or after life.

And Autumn, you are always on my mind. Your strength, even in the face of death, inspires me and I am impressed with who you are and how you lived your life.

You had the ability to see things in a level headed way, and at the same time, through the eyes of love and empathy.
I miss you and it's hard to believe that I won't see you again in this world.
You were like a sister and you were always my friend, even when in awkward moments of transition.
I hope know that you are incredibly loved and that I pray that even now you are wrapped in all the love that your friends and family have for you. I hope that that love will give you the strength and courage to rest now in all the peace the universe has to offer you. Be free my sweet Autumn.
We love you and will take good care of your son, Winter and support your family and friends in this incredibly sad time of missing you, dear.

I love you with all my heart and always will,my sweet Autumn.

Finally!

2008-10-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day overall.
I got a message, hung out with Ashley, did a photo gig and got paid for it, sat in a super relaxing hot tub with a dear friend, and got an acceptance letter from Western Washington University!

Yahoo!

Visual Journalism here I come. I can taste the sweetness of success already.

Happy almost halloween, everyone.

A place I wish to go

2008-10-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

There is a place I wish to go
where I could always find you

at times late at night when
memories are too loud for sleeping.

And if you ever need me....

Strange times, strange dreams....

2008-10-21T07:30:00.001-07:00

My dream last night was so real and vivid, as if it was happening in real life and real time. It went like this;

I was lying in bed next to Kate when a strange badger/cat like creature scurried into our room. I shooed it out down the stairs and to the front door. But when I got to the front door it wasn't the same front door at all. Instead, two sort of swinging double doors stood with a screen door behind them.

As I peered through the doors, I noticed a huge, I mean massive owl that stood looking at me. Then all of the sudden an ostrich came barreling out from the porch and started to come at me. It didn't seem to want to kill me, but it did advance toward me quickly and then wrapped it's neck around me and sort of pined me down. I couldn't breathe enough to call for help, but I tried. I couldn't get any words out save a whisper. So I stomped on the floor with my foot and on pounded on the wall hoping that I would make enough noise that Kate would come down and help me. But she couldn't hear me.

I finally mustered up enough strength and air to yell her name as loudly as possible. KATE!!! I screamed. And, I yelled it so loud and hard that I actually yelled out her name in real life, scaring the living "you know what" out of both of us.

Kate sat up (in real life) and was asking why I was screaming her name. I was shocked that the whole thing hadn't really happened in reality at all and that instead, there I was lying back in bed with Kate explaining to her my strange dream. She reminded me that just a bit before that, while she was sleeping, she woke up gasping for air and woke me up too.
The whole thing was such a trip that I decided to google the meaning of some of the animals and other things within the dream. Here's what I found:

Front Porch
Term
Meaning
front porch
• Your social interaction with people who are close to you but not necessarily part of your immediate family
• Your public interactions with others
• The way you choose to interact with others or present yourself in public, since the front porch is the connection between the house (representing you) and the outdoors (representing the people and environments around you in your life)
• To dream of a porch, denotes that you will engage a new undertakings, and the future will be full of uncertainties.

• Dream Interpretation Porch
The front porch of your home symbolizes the part of your life which is displayed to others. If something happens in the front of your house, it is possible that you are going through something which is quite public.
• DREAMS ABOUT A PORCH symbolises being undecided. It could be symbolic of being contemplative, or uncommitted or withdrawn. It could also be something entirely different such as being on the threshold of something new. It depends on the entire context of the dream. Back or Front Porch? Screened-in or open? Messy or neat? Sparse or furnished? All these details add to the overall symbolism.
Ostrich:
To see an ostrich in your dream, suggests that you are not facing reality and living in a world of your own. You may be in denial or unwilling to accept a situation. Alternatively, the ostrich can symbolize truth and justice.
Owl:
To see an owl in your dream, symbolizes wisdom, insight and virtue. The owl is also synonymous with death and darkness.
Death in this sense may also represent a symbolic death, as in an important transition in life.

Being lost or trapped
In these highly common dreams, you're lost and feeling desperate. You may be buried alive or locked in a cage. Or you dream of not being able to move; you're powerless to scream or breathe.

These dreams may occur when you feel confusion or conflict about how to act in waking life.

The images are influenced by biological roots and experience. Feeling trapped or paralyzed also mirrors what occurs to the large muscles of the body during normal REM sleep, when they're paralyzed to prevent the body from acting out the dreams.

Such dreams could reflect frustrations in waking life, such as feeling trapped in a relationship or a dead-end job.

Flip side: Discovering new spaces
You may open a door in your home to find a new room or find something new in the neighborhood. These dreams occur usually when you feel an aspect of your life if opening up.

Yelling:
Whatever other activities you may be doing in your dreams, you may find yourself screaming.
Meaning: Whether it’s you or someone else who is yelling, it represents repressed anger. You may be in pain or feeling enthusiasm. You may feel a strong need to express yourself and release your emotions. If you’re trying to scream but no sound is coming out, it may mean that some situation needs your immediate attention.

Stairs:
2. If the dreamer is descending the staircase, and the staircase is a pleasant one, then he may soon complete a difficult task and be able to relax for awhile.

Happy Birthday, Reuel

2008-10-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vtEvTU4hTTI/SPz1kWDwwII/AAAAAAAAAIc/eDjQ9CzLbeY/s1600-h/IMG_8696.JPG">

Happy 26th Birthday, little brother! I love you and hope your happy and healthy. I miss you!

My heart, my breaking heart

2008-10-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of a terrible heart break and on most days, it feels like a slow death.
The woman I love, Kate, and I are breaking up and it truly sucks.

We both love each other very much but she has decided that it's best to end our love relationship and move toward just being friends. She is my friend and will remain my friend. I can't imagine life without her in it, and I don't want to.

So now, it's a matter of trying to survive this utter heart ache and find a new place to live.
Probably the hardest thing for me is knowing how to go from lovers and bestest-friends, favorite person to cuddle with (outside of my kids), the person I look forward to coming home to at night and waking up to in the morning, to something all together different now.

How do I do that?

It's funny how a few words, an statement or two about not wanting to try anymore, changes everything about how you are supposed to relate to that person from there on out.

I still want to see her, I still want to snuggle her and be there for her. I still want the best things for her. I still want to be her best friend and even want to be her lover at times. And it's hard to recognize that I can't be all those things for her now.

I am trying to figure out how to make my heart feel differently about her...but it hasn't happened yet.
I didn't cry yesterday at all. That was the first day since we broke up on tuesday (a week ago tomorrow). I haven't been so lucky today. I miss her when were not together. I still look forward to seeing her and hugging her. So, things pretty much suck right now.

And I know that these things are a process and that it takes time (and a shizzle-ton of tears) to get through times like these, I know all these things in my head, but the heart is still taking it's time. Wish us both luck, we both could use it.

The last two post were posted in the wrong order...

2008-10-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

I wanted "N.Y." Holla to be posted after "More about that," but alas they are not.
Woops.

more about that

2008-10-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

And one of the best things about this trip (which I will expand on later, of course) is meeting my eldest sister for the first time. She is lovely and so sweet. She treats me like her little sister and it's lovely.

New York...Holla!

2008-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

New York is fabulously crazy all the time. The streets are crowded virtually everywhere you go. During the day this city is bursting with loud noises; sirens scream through the streets, taxi horns honk at each other and all this noise is amplified by ten as they bounce of skyscrapers and the cement jungle that makes up this city.

Kato and I have had a great time hanging her moms show and preparing for the her big art show in Chelsea this Thursday.

late night lullaby

2008-09-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's late and I am working on my WWU application essay and listening to some good music.
I am thinking of my friends and loved ones who may also be up late, thinking about their friends and loved ones, or being to stressed out about about one thing or another to sleep. This one's for all you...ok. The upload didn't work, but it was Deb Talan's "Comfort." You should google her and have a listen. YEP.

Democracy hits the streets outside the Democratic Convention

2008-09-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Just click on the little question mark...then leave a comment on what you see, eh?

Hallelujah

2008-09-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

My hair is dark like my fathers

2008-08-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

People have been commenting on how dark it is, wondering if it's my real color.
It makes me ponder myself, and in the process I've been contemplating me; what i look like, what I used to look like, and the transformations in between.

My reflection has gone deeper than skin deep.

I've been trying to connect with myself, contemplate my life, reestablish my goals, and seek my truth with eyes as wide as can be. I'm carefully peeling off layers of grey shadows that crouch in corners inside me, and painting instead a surrendering white mixed with bold, bright colors that I'm not afraid to show.

Birthday dinner party with fresh pigs

2008-08-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

On the last full moon, K and I threw a lovely dinner party for one of my longest and dearest friends, M.

As parties go, one never knows how a particular one may turn out. The intentions may be worthy, say a celebration of living on this earth for 35 years, the invitation list may well thought out (with old friends and kin invited), but just because the setting for a good time is ripe, doesn't necessarily mean that a good time will be had.

But this party was a great success. The food and drink was flowing (especially after the tray of sushi went crashing onto the floor and N and I decided to implement the ten-second rule and serve it to the guests anyway), the company was great, K was a fun and gracious hostess/hostess side-kick. M, the birthday girl, seemed to really enjoyed herself (even though she was suffering a bit of a hang over from an impromptu party that occurred the night before ( I've still not forgiven BL for that little episode, M was supposed to get sauced at my house and hang till the wee hours, but BL sucked her dry before I got to her).

Wishes were made and old memories conjured (for better or worse). I laughed my ars off a few different times recalling some things that my ole' high school pals, BL and M, used to do. Some stories were probably best left untold, but hell, you bring the girls together and sip a few glasses of the old vino, and you never know what will be told. Hmm.
Anyway, the night was fun and lovely, we even made a couple of new friends, N and A, one of which I welcomed into out circle of friends by bitch slapping across the face (and I think she liked it), while the other I tried to lure into a good ass-kicking rumble in the front yard. She declined my offer. Obviously she was intimidated by my brute strength. Ha!

By the end of the night, the table had been moved out of the dinning room to make room for dancing, and oh the dancing that occurred. I had no idea that D could dance like that. I do wish I had a photo of her dancing...what a sight.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to M and many happy years to come, my young friend.
Cheers.

clouds

2008-08-21T23:03:00.001-07:00

Clouds that I could float away on..

The tie that binds

2008-07-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

On most days the tie that binds me to you
wraps me in love and trust; a kind of umbilical cord
that nourishes, giving strength and fruition to
the greatness inside of me,
illuminating the beauty and richness in life.

It justifies deliberate
efforts to guard our love
when, in times of bemusement,
infirmity creeps in through the cracks in the epidermis
that we have assiduously woven around us like a sheath
to protect this fragile symbiotic system that sustains you and me
when we are "we".

On other days, that same tie works more like a fetter
that binds are uniqueness,
restricts our individuality,
weakens the furor in our spirits.

What a feat it would be to be able to recognize the precise
instant of loves transformation from nourishment to languidness.

And then what?

Such a dilemma arises
when faced with the sum of loves pursuit
splayed out before wanton eyes
like a half-maimed, roadside-creature
still clinging to life.

An unforgiving choice
to wager (once again)
our delicate hearts
for the chance of loves recovery,
or put an end to the wonted pain of
loves affliction?

Grace for Beyth

2008-07-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

This entry has been changed completely from it's original form due to a momentary laps in reason while posting said previous entry.

Please know B, that Grace is still being lavished upon you even as we speak. It is grace that saved me when my world was once falling apart and it's grace that will help you too.

“In life as in dance: Grace glides on blistered feet”
- Alice Abrams

Slow Sunday

2008-05-25T18:38:00.001-07:00

We made time slow down today
while the whole town was out and about.
The spring-time wind carried sounds of children playing, barking dogs and distant music through the window of
our upstairs room while the sun was still high in the sky.

Your body exhausted by such an exertion of energy
after pedaling your bike from the top of Baker to
that country-bumpkin town.

I took you home and laid you down, sweet woman.
My hands worked to soothe your aching muscles as they glided across your salted skin; first your shoulders and neck, then over your shapely back and down to your digit toes (past those little places I've kissed so many times before).

And time slowed down for us.

In those moments we found tenderness, and trust was
there too,
and other things that are harder to express,
for no words exists that would do them justice.
And in that silence the bond between you and I
grew a little stronger when we slowed time down today.

Something about words

2008-04-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ah, the words that come out of us,
dying to live,
to be breathed into exsistance
in an attempt to express.

Such a birth is not simply a selfish move
on behalf of the words,
(those dastardly little things swirling around in your brain, knocking at your cranium all the while until finally you can get them together, harnessed in some orderly fashion, and march them right down to fingers or mouth, any appendage or part that can serve as a vehicle to release said words.)

Often, a far more complex system occurs where the releasing of words allows the breather/writer/creator to express their thoughts, shed their fears, share their dreams, or simply get out any angst or creativity that may have been building up or lying dormant.

Usually, it is not fully realized- the beauty or strangeness that exsists within- until both composer and words (working together) bring to fruition something that never was-but now is.

unrequited

2008-03-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

He had all kinds of reasons why he could not be a father to any of his eleven children. He tells me his reasons almost every time we speak. Last night was no different. He repeats these reasons over and over to me as if it was the first time he's ever revealed them to me, but in reality I heard these same stories the last time we talked a month ago, and through out the years that came before.

But I don't have the heart to tell him that now. I don't have the energy to refute his embellished reality that he has lived in for all these years. A reality that has perhaps saved his heart from breaking into a billion pieces and all it's little shatteres cutting right through his mortal body. Because that's what it must feel like to bring eleven souls into this world, only to leave them, some sooner- others later, but all left without a father indeed.

Anyway, he also explained to me that his first born child, a girl-now a woman named Lisa, was comming to visit him this weekend. It's been more than 27 years since he's seen her last. But he doesn't realize that either. He told me it's been almost twenty years. He recalls the very day he saw her last. They were in Carson city, Nevada at the time. He picked her up and took her for a drive into the desert. They sat on huge cresent-shaped boulders and looked out over the desert scape while silver eagles circled above. According to him, they just sat there talking for hours and having a great time. I think that may be the most time he ever spent with her in her whole life. It would be almost thirty years till that little girl saw her father again. And he her.
Unimaginable pain. That's how it all must feel for him to know, or even glimpse for a moment the beauty in a new life that he helped create. A innocent child who has to learn all about this world we live in, the good and bad. What it must feel like to know that you have created for this child some of the biggest heart ache she will ever know.

For her it may be a little different. When you grow up without knowing your father you can make up all kinds of stories about how terrible he must be. You can repeat in your mind all the stories that your mother told you about how mean and irresponsible he was to her. How he controlled everything she did. How he hidious he spoke to her. You can acclamate to not having a father because it's hard to miss what you never had. But eventually she will come to understand that she is missing something, and likely it will be when she needed that something the most, and that will hurt bad.

How can I spy for you when you are spying me?

2008-02-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

This post offers a bit of interesting information that may be upsetting, however it also offers a way to do something about it and lessen your chances of being spied on.

Earlier this week, the Senate temporarily blocked legislation to grant blanket immunity to telecom companies like AT&T and Verizon that aided the Bush Administration's illegal program to eavesdrop on Americans.

In two weeks, the legislation will come up again. If passed it means those companies won't be held accountable for handing over customers' private records without a warrant. It also means we may never know the full extent of the administration's illegal domestic spying programs.

What can you do? If you have a cellphone from Verizon or AT&T, you can keep on sending them your money and supporting them - and President Bush - in their cover-up.

Or you can join DFA Wireless -- DFA Wireless is powered by CREDO Mobile and 10% of your monthly charges can be directed to support DFA¹.

www.DFAWireless.com

Together, DFA and CREDO are fighting to expose the administration's illegal spying program and bring all those responsible to justice -- including President Bush. DFA is working together with CREDO Mobile, brought to you by your friends at Working Assets. It's the same great wireless service they've offered for years, with a new name to reflect our commitment to causes we believe in.

How different is DFA Wireless? In addition to supporting DFA each month, this service is powered by CREDO Mobile, a truly progressive phone company. Take a look at the comparison below. What you see may disturb you. For a remedy make the switch now to DFA Wireless, powered by CREDO Mobile.

www.DFAWireless.com

What your phone company does... CREDO Mobile AT&T Verizon
to spy on you: CREDO donates to the ACLU to STOP illegal wiretapping Known to have cooperated with the Bush administration's warrantless spying on American citizens.
with the money you pay them: CREDO donates over $50 million to progressive nonprofits. Contributes more money to political campaigns than almost any other company - mostly to Republicans Spends $90 million on lobbying — more than Phillip Morris or Exxon
for the environment: CREDO is America's greenest phone company — and the only one to offer solar chargers. Think of the worst polluters in elected office. That's where their money goes
to your freedom of speech: CREDO supports First Amendment heroes like the Electronic Frontier Foundation and Democracy Now. Censored Pearl Jam's Bush criticism during a concert webcast. Blocked text messages from NARAL Pro-Choice America (until forced to allow them).
for a free and open internet: CREDO supports nonprofit groups that advocate for internet freedom. Preparing to implement technologies that will allow it to inspect, filter and "shape" web traffic. Called for an end to Google's "free lunch" and tries to drive users to its own search engine.
If you think your privacy is important, then it's time to think about DFA Wireless. Switch now and CREDO will buy out your current contract (up to $175) and provide a free camera phone². Call (888) 505-9936 now, and mention priority code 703027 to talk with our people powered customer agents.

www.DFAWireless.com

bending

2007-12-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

stretching over that big, blue ball today
the sun shone through
the window for the first time in awhile
and basked over me
relaxing my mind
my body
arms outstretched behind me
till my fingertips touched the floor

back arched
shoulders molded into backward roundness
belly stretched flat
forward reaching pelvis
open, strong

legs firmly planted-stable
breast full, round
southbound
momentarily suspended in negative gravity

I stabalized myself there for awhile
sinking,
sinking,
sunk
into myself,
into me
to me

into nothing
me no-thing
no thing

and there I was
was I
I was
I.

Entropy

2007-11-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

All praise and photo credit goes to Kate V (KVV1 and only).

Entropy
1) disorder/randomness in a closed system.
2) Matter/ energy evolve to inert uniformity or absolute zero
3) Inevitably and steady determination of a system or society.

Perhaps the process of entropy could be seen as a way, maybe the only way, where major change can take place. I think about it like this; if disorder and randomness happens in a closed system, eventually that system will implode. If matter of any kind, or energy evolve to an absolute zero, then nothing is left. It can either remain nothing or something else can be created in that space or from the rejuvenation of a new energy. but either way, what was no longer is and indeed something else exists: change has occurred.

Realizing the pattern within entropy, it can then be seen as a kind of algorithm for change, or as Pinchon describes it as “a Mutually Assured Destruction,” (MAD). Ahha! Maybe there is a method to madness after all.

Birthday wishes

2007-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

“I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three.” ~Author Unknown

HAPPY 25TH (belated) BIRTHDAY, Little Brother!

The following quotes and thoughts are in honor of my only little brother, who is young but not so little anymore.

“Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider.... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled.” ~Jane Mersky Leder

Bubba, I know how self-sufficient you are and how you don’t like to be treated like a little brother by your five older sisters. I know that you have a very strong sense of yourself and how you like things to be in your life. I also know that your capable of achieving anything you put your mind to. However I cannot help but feel like you will always be my little brother, and perhaps, treat you a little softer than you may like, or lead you to think or do something that I think is good for you, or share with you the lessons I’ve learned in my own life hoping that you won’t get sucked into similar pitfalls that I have. I know that such behaviors likely drive you nuts from time to time, but hopefully you know that it’s all because you are so loved.

“After a girl is grown, her little brothers - now her protectors - seem like big brothers.” ~Astrid Alauda

O.k. I know that I said that you’ll always be my little brother who I will always love and inevitably boss to some degree, lovingly of course. But the above quote is also true for me. Let me explain;
You probably remember this story, but when you were first born you were sick with colic. You wouldn’t sleep a wink at night and mom was exhausted. Not only had she just given birth to a 10 pound 9 ounce baby boy, but she also had lots of other little ones to take care of (not to mention our father who was likely worse than all of us put together).
Anyway, I took you and rocked you until you would stop crying. Soon enough, you wouldn’t let anyone els put you to bed or suffice you (unless you were nursing, and not even then sometimes). I’ll never forget how i would rock you and bounce you gently up and down, all the while humming to you so that you would forget about your own pains and crying. I swear, even though I was only 10 at the time I treated you like you were my own baby boy. And I have loved you as if you were ever since.
But, since we’ve all grown into adulthood, there have been many times that you have guided me with kindness, wisdom and love. You have even protected me in various ways that you may not even be aware of.
I’ll never forget a particular time that vividly stands out in my memory. It was a week or two before my wedding day and things were less than smooth between myself and the soon-to-be groom. You wisely asked me if I should really be getting married and suggested that perhaps I should not. And low and behold you were right. I wish we (people) actually listened to reason when standing on the precipice of a life changing event. Anyway, this is all to say that you are wise and loving and smart and that I learn from you as well.

“I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. ” ~Maya Angelou

You make concerted efforts to cultivate and maintain your relationships with your family, even when it’s not that easy to do. I appreciate that about you and hope that you feel equally supported and cared for. I look forward to our friendship continuing to grow stronger throughout our lives.

“A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self.” ~Marian Sandmaier

“Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way.” ~Pamela Dugdale

Being the eldest of you and the other girls has definitely taught me so much about the nature of family(the good and the dysfunctional), of men and women, and massive amounts about myself. I am grateful for this experience. Most of all, it’s taught me to be grateful that I have you all as not only my family, but as confidants and friends when no one else could offer me the kind of understanding when I needed it most.

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. ~Susan Scarf MerrellaaA

O.K. Reuel. You withstood so much sap and gushing to last you a lifetime, so I will end this birthday letter by saying this: You rock! You have a lovely partner and a beautiful baby boy of your own now and, without being able to witness it first hand yet, I know that your an amazing, loving father who will do anything for his family. I am proud of you and who you have grown to be.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN.

"The Liberal Baby Bust" By Philip Longman

2007-10-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

****Please feel free to leave any thoughts or responses to the article below. Does it make you want to have children?*******

What's the difference between Seattle and Salt Lake City? There are many differences, of course, but here's one you might not know. In Seattle, there are nearly 45% more dogs than children. In Salt Lake City, there are nearly 19% more kids than dogs.
This curious fact might at first seem trivial, but it reflects a much broader and little-noticed demographic trend that has deep implications for the future of global culture and politics. It's not that people in a progressive city such as Seattle are so much fonder of dogs than are people in a conservative city such as Salt Lake City. It's that progressives are so much less likely to have children. It's a pattern found throughout the world, and it augers a far more conservative future — one in which patriarchy and other traditional values make a comeback, if only by default. Childlessness and small families are increasingly the norm today among progressive secularists. As a consequence, an increasing share of all children born into the world are descended from a share of the population whose conservative values have led them to raise large families. Today, fertility correlates strongly with a wide range of political, cultural and religious attitudes. In the USA, for example, 47% of people who attend church weekly say their ideal family size is three or more children. By contrast, 27% of those who seldom attend church want that many kids.

In Utah, where more than two-thirds of residents are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 92 children are born each year for every 1,000 women, the highest fertility rate in the nation. By contrast Vermont — the first to embrace gay unions — has the nation's lowest rate, producing 51 children per 1,000 women. Similarly, in Europe today, the people least likely to have children are those most likely to hold progressive views of the world. For instance, do you distrust the army and other institutions and are you prone to demonstrate against them? Then, according to polling data assembled by demographers Ron Lesthaeghe and Johan Surkyn, you are less likely to be married and have kids or ever to get married and have kids. Do you find soft drugs, homosexuality and euthanasia acceptable? Do you seldom, if ever, attend church? Europeans who answer affirmatively to such questions are far more likely to live alone or be in childless, cohabiting unions than are those who answer negatively. This correlation between secularism, individualism and low fertility portends a vast change in modern societies. In the USA, for example, nearly 20% of women born in the late 1950s are reaching the end of their reproductive lives without having children. The greatly expanded childless segment of contemporary society, whose members are drawn disproportionately from the feminist and countercultural movements of the 1960s and '70s, will leave no genetic legacy. Nor will their emotional or psychological influence on the next generation compare with that of people who did raise children.

Single-child factor

Meanwhile, single-child families are prone to extinction. A single child replaces one of his or her parents, but not both. Consequently, a segment of society in which single-child families are the norm will decline in population by at least 50% per generation and quite quickly disappear. In the USA, the 17.4% of baby boomer women who had one child account for a mere 9.2% of kids produced by their generation. But among children of the baby boom, nearly a quarter descend from the mere 10% of baby boomer women who had four or more kids. This dynamic helps explain the gradual drift of American culture toward religious fundamentalism and social conservatism. Among states that voted for President Bush in 2004, the average fertility rate is more than 11% higher than the rate of states for Sen. John Kerry. It might also help to explain the popular resistance among rank-and-file Europeans to such crown jewels of secular liberalism as the European Union. It turns out that Europeans who are most likely to identify themselves as "world citizens" are also less likely to have children.

Rewriting history?

Why couldn't tomorrow's Americans and Europeans, even if they are disproportionately raised in patriarchal, religiously minded households, turn out to be another generation of '68? The key difference is that during the post-World War II era, nearly all segments of society married and had children. Some had more than others, but there was much more conformity in family size between the religious and the secular. Meanwhile, thanks mostly to improvements in social conditions, there is no longer much difference in survival rates for children born into large families and those who have few if any siblings.
Tomorrow's children, therefore, unlike members of the postwar baby boom generation, will be for the most part descendants of a comparatively narrow and culturally conservative segment of society. To be sure, some members of the rising generation may reject their parents' values, as often happens. But when they look for fellow secularists with whom to make common cause, they will find that most of their would-be fellow travelers were quite literally never born. Many will celebrate these developments. Others will view them as the death of the Enlightenment. Either way, they will find themselves living through another great cycle of history.
Phillip Longman is a fellow at the New America Foundation and the author of The Empty Cradle: How Falling Birthrates Threaten World Prosperity and What to Do About It. This essay is adapted from his cover story in the current issue of Foreign Policy magazine.

The New American Foundation: Mission

Powerful forces - from rapid technological change to massive demographic shifts, from economic globalization to terrorism - are remaking America. Now, more than ever, our nation needs a robust public debate, one that does justice to the complex challenges and opportunities of this unfolding era. Yet there remains a dearth of new thinking on both sides of the political divide, as well as a lack of investment in developing the creative young minds most capable of crafting new public policy solutions.
The purpose of the New America Foundation is to bring exceptionally promising new voices and new ideas to the fore of our nation's public discourse. Relying on a venture capital approach, the Foundation invests in outstanding individuals and policy ideas that transcend the conventional political spectrum. Through its Fellowships and Policy Programs, New America sponsors a wide range of research, writing, conferences, and events on the most important issues of our time.
The New America Foundation is an independent, nonpartisan, nonprofit public policy institute that was conceived through the collaborative work of a diverse and intergenerational group of public intellectuals, civic leaders, and business executives. New America's founding President and CEO is Ted Halstead, and its Board of Directors is chaired by James Fallows. Based in our nation's capital, the Foundation opened its doors in January 1999.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2007-10-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like screaming
at the top of my lungs
and for far too many reasons
and no reason at all!

For old things
that creep back up
and show up
in places that you
were hoping that they never would again

for not being good enough
or being to good to know what to do with yourself

for energy, thoughts and creativity
that abound within
but not enough time or money to
do anything with them

for feelings that I can't seem to shake
and memories that just sit in my mind
swirling round and round
time and time again
doing nothin for me
cept'drivin me to mental break

for all of us who don't bring to fruition
the creators within ourselves
who are capable of bringing forth
whatever we can imagine
whatever we wish for
whatever we need most
whatever we lack
whatever we look for in others
whatever is standing (or has stood) in front of our faces
but we could not see

for everything we make a mess of
when it all could be so simple
just love
and let yourself be loved

forget all the rest of the bullshit
because all it does it bound you up
bottle you up
and otherwise fuck things up

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs
for all the power we surrender to fear
all types of fear
you know, the ones that tell you that maybe your not
as good as you think
that maybe you'll never succeed
maybe your not good enough
to be loved
maybe your not good enough to create,succeed, get paid, live happy,
Fly
Fuckin' Fly
cause I know I can
we all fuckin can
but we wrap our wings in that familiar bullshit
that keeps us running in circles
bouncing off the same fuckin walls

Well, I say fuck that!! Fuck it all!
We are as great as the sea
as tall as the tallest tree
with hearts as big as the sun
and the moon put together
and we can change the mother fuckin tides

(when I feel this way,I want to run for a thousand miles and let the energy inside me burst out till it rearranges the universe. I want to sing and dance my ass off and cry my eyes out and write till my fingers fall off and create,create,create whatever comes out. But,usually I just end up going about my day taking care of school and the rest of the daily humdrum shit that keeps me feeling this way, then go get drunk and smoke my lungs out till I kick my own ass the next day.That's how I feel today.)

stuck in my head music

2007-10-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days when a song or song writer gets stuck inside your head, reminding you of someone or something or triggering particular feelings that you, for one reason or another, like to feel?

Well, Imogen Heap is one of those artist that haunts me and frankly, I love her. You may know her music, but if not, check her out.
She also sings in another band called FROU FROU which is also worth checking out.
First check out FROU FROU.
This is my favorite song from the move Garden State , which is also worth seeing.Plus, the main male character looks kinda like my little brother and his mannerisms are similar too!

Artist: Imogen Heap
Song: Goodnight And Go
This song reminds me of living on the sailboat two summers ago.

Beth Orton is another of my faves currently and for awhile. This song is new to me but its great and a fun video to watch. The tree at the end of the video reminds me very much of the tree I used to play under in P.A as a girl. A thousand times I lost and found my favorite butterfly necklace that my grandma gave to me under that tree.

This is one of my favorite Ani songs that I've been listening to lately as well.

Next: Death Cab For Cutie
Song: Passenger seat
I just can't leave this song out. It triggers a scene in my head, a memory, of driving back (in the passengers seat)from Chuckanut one day with a dear friend of mine. It was one of those moments where you know that everything has just changed for you. You may not be able to put your finger on it at the time,but you know something is different now and will never be the same.

My "chic" sister B suggested that I listen to this song. She said that she heard it the other day and thought of me. I can't seem to find a full online version that is free, but I found the lyrics.
They are beautiful,B. Can't wait to hear the actual song.

She's Saving Me Lyrics

deconstruction

2007-10-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

It once shone bright
like the auspicious love we had,
but soon turned pasty white
the same color as my skin
when I came down from that high

I wore it like a bastion
round my weakest finger
a vehement attempt
to keep alive
that poor thing
dying a terrible, slow death

and there it lingered
till it desecrated that
hackneyed fairytale
that too many believe
to assuage themselves
from the real truth;

that the only thing that never changes is change
and the idea of "control"
is truly just a game.

School begins again

2007-09-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day back to school. This quarter should mark my last one here at WCC, however, do to my own delinquency,I will still have two math classes to complete before I obtain my official transfer degree.

However, because I believe that I am special and that all rules should be broken just for me, I will meet with a counselor at Western and try to convince them to allow me to enter their school without my official transfer degree.

Then,once I have begun my desired program at WWU, I will fulfill my responsibilities by taking the remaining math classes on the side.

On the side is a very big thing for me.;')

So, this quarter I have signed up for some seemingly interesting classes; Math 97 (Not!), an IDS class that integrates Literature, science and gender and lastly, an art class called, "The History of Photography."

Most, if not all of my classes will require lots of study time and homework, but I must say that I'm looking forward to the whole process.

Burning Man 07.....what a trip!

2007-09-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Kato and I just spent seven days in the Nevada desert, the Black Rock desert, with 35 thousand other wild and crazy folks, hanging out, expiriencing everything the playa had to offer.

I took so many pictures and have so many stories that there is hardly enough time to write and display it all. So, I've decided to sort of catogorize the pictures and basicaly add captions to some of them.

Please beware that some of the pics are quite grafic and may contain nudity.
O.k., you were warned.....

This was our home while at Burning Man. Kate devised a worthy set up from a big, blue tarp place strategically over "Alice Frankenstein," the V.W bus, secured to the playa with rebar and pvc pipe. Our shelter worked wonders and withstood the high winds and kept the sun from burning us to a crisp.

These folks were our neighbors for the week. Every morning they gave out Bloody Mary's to anyone who wished to quench their morning thirst. Kate and I had front porch, hand delivered service. What a deal!

The moon was ever-present on the playa and seemed to take center stage no matter where we were or what was going on.

On the second or third day at Burning Man, the sun eclipsed the moon and it's beauty was so luring that I photographed it for some time, which is what I was doing when, as you may have heard, some shady character set fire to the green man prematurely, in an attempt to stave off those "jocks who only come for the weekend to see critical tits and watch the man burn."

Here's the pyro that burned the man early. However, the cops were waiting for him when he climbed down and he was taken into custody and charged with arson. The question begs;how bad do you have to be to be charged with arson at Burning Man? Not to fear, the man was extingueshed before he burned completely and was successfully rebuilt and burned again on Saturday!

The Playa

Here are just a few examples of the art that could be found in the middle of the playa.

This was a sort of interactive art display where a man barbequed a live woman, naked and wrapped in plastic wrap, over a fake flame. The day was scorching hot and we wondered how and why the woman had agreed to such a thing.
The man that was churning her would periodicaly stop and say "she's almost done," then would reach in to the plastic, grab some sort of meat that was previously placed there and pop it into his mouth saying "mmmmm, perfect."
I didn't really understand the piece of art, political perhaps?

These boots were placed on the playa as a reminder of the ongoing war in Iraq and the lives that have been lost there.

These pics were taken durning one of my favorite events, Critical Tits. An estimated 1500 woman or more gathered on Friday in the middle of the playa to shed their shirts for likely, many reasons. I and many other woman did it as a statement that woman should be able to go topless whenever they want to without fear of being jailed.
We decided that if it were a common site to see woman bearing their breast, men wouldn't gock so hard and it might just help the objectifying of the womans bodies. Hmmmm.

Kate and I bathed in this basin (shown below) when we got so dirty that we couldn't stand ourselves anymore. On a good day a large truck would come by honking it's horn and spraying water out of the back end. The truck was know as the water truck and after a few days of no shower, we were out running behind it butt naked with a wash cloth in hand, bathing with other desperato's happy to have any sort of cleansing action. I wish I had a picture of the water truck, but I was too busy using it to photograph it.

Mutant vehicles were everywhere on the playa. Some of them had multiple floors that accomodated dancing, dj booths and bars. At any time one could jump aboard, assuming there was still room for one more, and travel around the playa meeting new people and seeing the sites with free drinks and good music. But, you never knew where or when the mutant vehicle would stop and let you off, often times it seemed like miles away from your camp.

I will have to end this blog here as I have run out of time for now. Check this site again soon for more great pics and crazy stories....

New Beginnings...

2007-08-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

******Note**** This particular blog has been revised to appease all the whiney people in my life who have ( or may have) a problem with being referred to as a capital letter, compared to (or so they assumed) unwanted cat hair, who have a problem with misspelled words and who read far more into a simple blog entry than need be. But, since said people choose to spend their precious time depicting my writings, this one's for you!********

With all the new babies being born into the family lately, with all the friends visiting, graduations, family, and so on, I have forgotten to blog about another very significant change in my life, moving in with the woman I love!

So, a couple weeks ago I officially moved in with "K" (which stands for Kato) and although initially it was a big adjustment for both of us, it has, overall, been a really awesome experience.

We are learning to compromise, communicate well, make time for ourselves as well as time for "date nights" etc.
She puts up with my big family and all that comes with it and I put up with Kitty hair everywhere and early bed times and early mornings (No fam, I'm NOT comparing ya'll with cat hair, I'm simply saying that both Kate and are acclimating to each others lives and all that comes with it).

But in return, we both receive lots of love, companionship, intimacy, friendship, fun and more than I could list here on this electronic page.

I am very happy and very blessed to have such a lovely woman in my life. She is so much more than I could have imagined.

In order to keep from getting sappier than I already have, I shall end by simply saying life is good and always interesting!
I love you, KVV1.

Bouncing baby boy joins our growing familly...

2007-08-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, in the evening on the first day of August, 2007, little Nolan "blessing" Prather bravely, yet somewhat reluctantly, entered this world we call Earth, after putting his mother through many hours of labor.

Although I have yet to gaze upon his little face, I am sure he resembles both his mother and his father and also sports many of his own unique traits.

Nolan's birth is very special for many reasons; first, he is the first-born son of the only boy in a family of seven who share the same mother and father, although I would never not include our sister Amy and other brother, Jory, into the family structure (because they very much are part of the family) which makes little Nolan the sixth male (not counting male partners here ladies) of our ever-growing family.

And God knows we needed some more male energy in this family!

So, Nolan's birth also makes him the eleventh cousin, the eleventh grandchild, the fourth nephew, grandma-Barbra's eleventh great-grand child.

Nolan also was born on the first day of August, one of the very few months where someone hadn't already been born into the family, which pretty much leaves December as the only month of the year that were not celebrating an immediate family members birthday.

Thanks for fufilling my wish, little Nolan, I really wanted you to be born in August! I can't wait to hold you and kiss your little cheeks (which undoubtly are full and chubby, sorry kid, it kinda runs in the family). I also can't wait to hold your baby hand and look into your eyes and meet you for the very first time. I can't wait to see how much you look like your mommy and your daddy too, and how much of you looks just like you!

You don't know this yet, but you have a very big family with lots of aunts a an uncle or two, gobs of cousins, and some grandma's and a grandpa on your momma's side, and even a great-grandmother too. And you are very lucky becouse all of these people love you and can't wait to meet you.

We would have been there to see you already, but you were born way up there in Alaska and it's kinda hard to get all of your great-big family up there on a plane all at once, not to mention that would be very overwhelming for your mom and dad and they need time to get to know you first. But very shortly we will all meet you and hug you and give you kisses on your cheek and forehead.

So until then, I send out this letter of love to you and your parents and hope that you know that we welcome you into the family with all the love in the world!!!!

Congratulations Reuel and Asida! You both will be great parents to little Nolan. Thanks for making a baby boy and bringing another very needed boy into the family.

I love you both and you too, baby Nolan!
Love La

Ode To Arbus

2007-06-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

During my visit to New York in February, I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art with my sister Beyth.

Although there were mighty art exhibits, some of which I loved more than others, by far my favorite thing found there was a large annotated picture book of photographer, Diane Arbus.

Since then I have read, albeit in chunks of time found here and there, and familiarized myself with the sophisticatedly simple, yet mesmerizing portraits taken by Diane Arbus.

Not only does the book include a large collection of Arbus's photographs, but it also incorporates bits and pieces of letters that she's written to friends and colleagues, family, professors, as well as snippets from magazines, newspapers, and other photographers pictures that Diane Arbus had compiled into a collage and had hanging on her wall, like a fresh- faced teenager who was seeing the world for the first time.

Diane Arbus seemed like an everyday kind of lady, she married, had kids, worked the whole way through it all as a photographer. Her photographs that made her famous were of mostly common folks that could be seen walking through Central Park or lounging on their lawns on a Sunday afternoon.

But as she peeked into ordinary peoples lives, she found the extraordinary, circus freaks, retarded folks, cross-dressers, actors, babies, nudists, lovers, etc, and it was there that she felt at home.
In her book, Revelations. she is quoted saying,

"Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognize."
This quote is next to a picture of a retired man and his wife at home in a nudist camp one morning in New Jersey.

Part of her fascination with common folk could have been provoked from her own up-bringing. Her mother and father were owners, or part owners, of a large, high-class department store called "Russek's," thus they had plenty of money and Diane Arbus grew up a little sheltered, rich-girl-kind-of-life, although she wasn't happy living that way.

She was born in 1923 in New York and for the first seven years of her life she was raised by a French governess whom she loved very much.

Arbus described her governess his way;

"She had a hard, sad, quite lovely face and I adored her. I don't think I ever talked much to her but I was very happy with her ...she always looked as if she had a very sad secret and she would never tell anyone."

It didn't seem that Arbus had any real memories of her parents during her childhood. However, she was fascinated with the places and people on "the other side of the tracks," which later seemed to manifest in her photographs.

"There are and have been and will be an infinite number of things on earth. Individuals all different, all wanting different things, all knowing different things, all loving different things, all liking different. Everything that has been on earth has been different from any other thing. That is what I love: the differentness, the uniqueness of all things and the importance of life... I see something that seems wonderful; I see the divineness in ordinary things," Arbus said.

Anyway, I sorta fell in love with Arbus by reading this book. I got to peek inside her life, see what was important to her, read her letters that she wrote when she was pregnant, sick, happy, healthy, sad, depressed and many other very personal feelings and thoughts that she expressed throughout her life.

She seemed like a sort of strange dichotomy, living a kind of public life, well known photographer and such, but at the same time she was just an ordinary woman struggling to live life with as much joy as possible and always seeming to relay on faith and trust as a way to manifest her dreams and desires.

Arbus said once, " We stand on a precipice, then before a chasm, and as we sit it becomes higher, wider, deeper, but I am crazy enough to think it doesn't matter which way we leap because when we leap we will have learned to fly. Is that blasphemy or faith?"

But today, while reading Arbus's "Revelations" for longer than I intended, I found out that her life tragically ended by way of suicide. She was found by a close friend laying in her bathtub, wearing a red shirt, denim shorts and no shoes. She had two slit writs and she had bled to death. Just like that.

I couldn't figure out why such a beautiful woman with so much to live for, such a life already lived, so hopeful and with an eye for beauty in the common, would choose to take her own life.

It was like loosing someone who you just began to know and was falling in love with; Hope, love, and life itself killed off by the sadistic act of giving up. And the result is a life unfinished, like a great story being wonderfully played out... but in the second act the story comes to an abrupt ending and, as the observer, your left feeling cheated, like the whole god-dammed thing was a waste of your time.

But more than frustration or anger, I felt incredibly selfish in wanting to know more of Arbus, wanting to be able to find her someday and interview her and take a picture of her...in her living room...at age 8o-something...being whatever she had become, a common anomaly, beautiful and strange.

I cried a tremendous cry, silently.

Baby makes three

2007-05-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

At 11:50 on 5/5/07, baby girl was finaly born.

She was immidiatly laid on momma's chest, she reached up and put her little hand on momma's nose then wrapped her little arm around moms neck as if to say, "Hi momma, thanks for all your hard work getting me here, I love you."

Charity cried tears of utter happiness and simply said, "Oh, she's so beautiful! I want to keep her, she's so beautiful!"

Omar was elated and the whole event rendered him slightly speachless. But when I asked him what he thought of his daughter on a scale of 1-10, he held clutched his new baby girl in his arms and said, "She's an eleven!"

To be continued....

Oh MY GOD!!!

2007-05-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Oh my God it hurts!"
It's now 6:50 p.m.

Charity is still troopin' along, now with the aid of an epideral.

In her cries for help, her pleads for the pain to go away, she has declared that she's "a lesbian" (only because she doesn't want the potential of becoming pregnant ever again) and quite possibly convinced Omar to get a vasectomy.

She continues to beg for us to do something to stop her pain, to make it all go away. And even though the epideral has started to set in a bit, perhaps taking the ting off, her pleads are in vain, and moments later she's crying out again.

She is dialated to six centimeters now.

"I want to fast forward," she is saying.

I think the baby will be with us very soon. Labor is intensifying as we speak.

Help is on the way...

2007-05-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

Phentenol.
Administered at 4:20.
No baby, but Phentenol to help Ched with the pain.

Ched's still in the tub, laboring and begging for help!
"Help me, I can't do this."

Amy and mom assure her that she is doing it, that her contractions are strong and her body is doing it's work.

Once the Phentenol (a slight narcotic to help take the edge off) kicked in, she became a bit happier.

"Oh, this is good stuff," she exclaimed gleefully.

Serena got here at about the same time, bringing watermelon (upon Ched's request), and back up food and water along with a giant boquet of lilacs and chrysanthemums.

Mom brought a small boquet of lilacs, and I brought her a vase full of red roses, the babies first stuffed animal (a calico kitty with floppy arms and a bean-bag butt who's name is "Patchy cat" for now but may be changed by the baby girl later, if she so chooses).

Ched's back to screaming again.
Got to go now.

One word...

2007-05-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

It's 3:37 p.m.
Ched's in the tub now having contractions in water.
Every one is silent, even her, except for the utterance of one word spoken in two syllables: "Sh-it!"

We gigle quietly.

water broke

2007-05-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

Were at the U.W. hospital with Charity, Omar, Grandma sage, Amy, (Serena's on the way) and myself.
Ched's on a p drip pitocin a magical drip rate of 6, which sent her into labor.

At 2:46 p.m her water broke.
She felt her water break inside before the water actually came out.
When it did, she began to yell, "my water broke, it's just comming out of me, it won't stop!"
The nurse reminds her that that's what is supposed to happen and that birth is a juicy affair.

She's now on hands and knees, sorta bent over the top of the bed.
She says she wants to push, but they won't let her till they check how dilated her cervix is.
She reitterates that she wants to push.

Her breathing becomes systematic, slow and rythmic.

Amy is doing her best dula efforts for Charity, as Charity "OW's" her way through the beginnings of her intense labor.

Omar is rubbing her back and is giving quiet support.
Mom's trying her hardest to be quiet and not tell Ched what to do, upon Ched's request.

The sweetest nurse, Anna is whispering in Charity's ear to let her body go, trust herself that her body knows what it's doing.
She reminds her softly to breathe through the pain. Anna tells her that this is the one time in her life where great pain does
brings great reward.

Her midwife just came in, she's checking her now.
The baby will come soon.
I'm betting she'll be born at about 4:20. Mom's betting 7:30.
We'll see.

Taciturn Interim

2007-05-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

In these last few days of before the birth of our newest family member,
that is the seventh niece, tenth grandchild, eighth great-grandchild, and first born of the seventh child, the world has seemingly slowed to an uncommon pace.

My phone barely rings, although I imagine Charity's hasn't stopped.
No major family drama to report.
No Injuries (excluding Sunny's burned legs which happened during Arctic Man a couple weeks ago).
No major celebrations(since Grandma's 79Th birthday on April 17Th).
No dyer information to report or gossip to spread about.
So, the family waits in relatively quiet anticipation of our newest member.

I can only refer to her as "baby girl Sane," as she will not be formally named until a week after her birth, in keeping with the Muslim traditions of her daddy.

My brave Charity, mother to be, has only been able to sleep or rest, only rising to take a walk, eat, relieve the pressure in her bladder undoubtedly intensified by the weight of her likely enormous unborn child, or to take a slapdash trip to the hospital in a disconcerted effort to birth her first born.

She has been in labor for approximately two weeks off and on. She is exhausted and eagerly awaits the inducement of her birth on Saturday, if nature doesn't kick in before then.

Until then, this strange calmness is welcomed, waiting for baby girl to breathe her first breath in this crazy-cool world of ours.
Good luck Charity and Omar! We love you!

School sucks

2007-04-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's true!
Monday's spent at school,especially today, are truly unenjoyable for me.
That's all.

Things put off have a way of taking over.

2007-04-12T09:46:00.001-07:00

Whether it's homework, taxes, that one (or two) things that you have been wanting to say to that certain someone.

Whatever it is, you can be sure that as long is it's "still out there,"
unfinished, not dealt with, put off till tomorrow, eventually it will sneak up, one way or another, and bite you in the ass.

I am the princess (not quite the queen, as my mother still holds that title) of procrastination. It's one thing that I really want to change about myself and I'm sure that one day I will, just not today. There's so much else that needs to be done.

Just kidding, I'm going now to do all the homework I need to catch up on and turn in by
tomorrow.

Peace to y'all.

Dreams, dreams everywhere

2007-04-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

It seems that weird dreams are a common theme for many of us lately.
I am no exception.
The other night I had a nightmare that was so disturbing that I may, by the time this little writing installation is complete, decide not to fully divulge all the gruesome details.

But, the dream disturbed me so badly that it's left a lingering smatter of yuck in my head that won't seem to leave, three days later.

So, I copied B and tapped into her dream interpretation site to uncover some potential meaning possibly hidden between the layers of gruesome scenes that plagued me the other night.

Here's what I found so far, whether it be true or not:

Nightmares are an indication of a fear that needs to be acknowledged and confronted. It is a way for our subconscious to make up take notice. "Pay attention!"

The question I have to ask myself is what am I afraid at this point in my life?

O.K., I'll reveal a bit of detail now about the dream, for those of you of week stomach, please don't read further. Just click out of this blog now. Seriously. Don't read further. Hmmmm. Just as I thought, you sicko.

In the beginning of the dream I found myself in the passenger side of a van, as I looked over I saw a baby sitting in a car seat placed precariously in the driver’s seat. The van begins to move and before I knew it, the baby and I were rolling down a very steep hill. I had little time before careening into on coming traffic to grab the wheel, try to steer and at the same time reach the brake, a far stretch but I pulled it off at the last minute as I merged carefully around a round-about, then headed up the hill, bringing the van to a complete stop, everyone unharmed.
I found little regarding the details of this part of the dream, except this...

Baby

To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. A love affair may be blooming for you in your near future. You will also make new and fun friends. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted.

In the next scene, I was being led down a hall by a man who was well dressed and obviously in a position of power of some sort.

Man

To see a man in your dream, denotes the masculine aspect of yourself - the side that is assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive.

He led me to a dinning room where a beautiful young woman awaited him. There were other people in the room besides the three of us, body guards I think.

Dining Room

To dream that you are in a dining room, represents your quest for knowledge and understanding. You may be reaching an important decision in your life.

The woman began to undress completely and proceeded to seductively climb onto the dining room table, spreading her legs to reveal her vagina to the man and I, seemingly ready and willing for whatever should come next.

Vagina

To see your vagina in your dream, suggests issues with your femininity and you sexual needs/urges. I wonder what it means to dream of another woman’s vagina??

This is where it gets gruesome. At first watching the woman seemed erotic, but I wasn't sure how to feel about it, other than enjoying her beauty.

Confusion

To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right.

Then, the man took a spoon and inserted into the woman’s vagina, slowly at first, carefully, but then not so much. He became more aggressive as his hand moved the spoon fervently inside her. Although the man kept a constant, cool demeanor, he was obviously asserting control over her with total disregard for how she was feeling.

Pervert
To see a pervert in your dream, suggests that you are having issues with closeness in some relationship. You are trying to keep your distance and avoid from getting hurt.

The woman played into the man's desire to control and never cried out in discomfort or pain; she just laid there and let the man continue on and on.

I quickly became quite angry and sickened by the whole encounter, and then I woke up.

Anger

To dream that you are feeling much anger forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. In your dream, you may have a safe outlet to express such emotions. You may have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

So that's the whole terrifying event and like I said it left such an impression (negative) that I still can't get the dream out of my head.

Maybe blogging about it will allow me to rid myself of it finally, purge such ugly thoughts and move on.

Sorry that after such a long hiatus from writing that I came back with such an entry. Oh well.
Sweet dreams, ya'll.

Paying the least to get the most: the corporate business model of adjunct teaching

2006-11-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

Imagine being a college teacher and having to work with one of your students at a convenience store in order to supplement your income. That’s exactly what Whatcom sociology teacher Charlie Tompkins has to do in order to make enough money to support himself on an adjunct teaching salary.
“Most of us have to have a second job,” said Tompkins, an active member of the teachers union AFT. “The person that really hurts is the student because the teacher has to take time away from them.”
Adjunct teachers are professional, part-time teachers. Many have PhD’s, and are hired to teach on a contractual basis.
There is a growing problem for adjunct (part-time) teachers in Washington State and throughout the country, to earn a livable income on teaching alone.
Approximately 60 percent of the classes offered at Whatcom are taught by adjunct teachers, according to Richard Fulton, Dean of faculty at Whatcom Community College.
Tompkins said the most adjunct faculty make less than the median income of a high school dropout, approximately $22,000 a year, a disheartening statistic especially for those considering a career in teaching.
An even bigger problem for America’s teachers may be the growing trend for colleges to hire mainly adjunct teachers, instead of full-time permanent teachers, in order to save money.
“The temporary and part-time business model, divide and conquer, is seeping into the educational institutes,” Tompkins said. “This keeps the institutions from paying full time wages and benefits.”
Fulton said that utilizing part time teachers is the only thing that community colleges do that seems corporate.
“Although,” he said, “we have never had enough money to hire full time teachers.”
According to Fulton, Whatcom makes the majority of its money from the state, based on the number of full time equivalent students, running start program, and international students. Any additional money comes from individual tuition of other students.
“If the state doesn’t give us enough money to teach as many students as we have, then we have to find ways to teach them, like hiring adjunct faculty,” Fulton said.

Mary Haberman has been teaching history at Whatcom Community College for more than 10 years. In one year she taught history full time, coached soccer, conducted an honors seminar, taught an additional history class in the summer, and facilitated learning contracts, and still made less than $30,000.
“That was my big year,” she said.
Teaching loads for adjunct teachers can range from full-time to part-time. Their contracts are renewed on a quarterly basis only. In addition, if a class doesn’t have at least 15 students enrolled per quarter, it may be dropped altogether the following year, leaving teachers even more financially insecure.
“When I lost a class I got about a 12 percent payroll cut instantly,” Haberman said. “With declining enrollment, adjunct issues are huge.”
Adjunct teachers need to work at least half-time hours to be eligible for health care benefits, and most are prohibited from collecting unemployment during the summer. For those without a second form of income, this creates serious financial problems.
However, with the help of the American Federation of Teachers (a Washington State teachers union), and the political activism of individual teachers, new laws have recently been created that help ease some of the hardships for adjunct teachers.
For instance, Washington state law formally mandated that teachers worked at least part-time for two consecutive quarters in order to be eligible for medical insurance. Tompkins said that this year Washington State decided to average out the amount of classes taught by adjunct teachers throughout the nine-month school year, allowing greater ease for adjunct teachers to receive and maintain their medical benefits.
“Were making progress incrementally and were fighting every step of the way,” Tompkins said.
Additional problems arise when adjunct teachers teach as many classes as full-time teachers, but only make a fraction of the salary.
For example, Tompkins said that he teaches a full-time load but only makes about 58 percent of a full time/tenured teacher’s salary.
“Apples to apples, factoring out administrative duties, adjunct teachers make about 75 percent of full time wages,” Tompkins said. “Our goal is to get to 100 percent of the 75 percent wage, then we’d have equality.”
Haberman said she believes that there’s comparable quality between full time and adjunct faculty.
“Salaries should reflect that,” she said.
For adjunct teachers, obtaining a full-time, permanent position isn’t an easy task. Due to the lack of available full-time positions Whatcom, and the growing trend for colleges to mainly hire adjunct teachers, if a teacher wants to apply for a full-time position they usually have to apply statewide and nationwide.
However, this year Whatcom will be hiring six new faculty and five teachers, an unprecedented amount, considering that only eight full-time teachers have been hired in the last 16 years.
“It’s going to be like a Boa Constrictor swallowing the pig,” said Fulton, “because we could be interviewing up to 50 people for these 11 positions.”
Fulton said the school’s contract with the faculty requires all full-time positions to be advertised, but not particularly nation wide.
“Our practice has been that we advertise nationally,” Fulton said. “We do that to get the best possible faculty here at Whatcom.”
Although it is important for colleges to hire qualified teachers, the question begs who is most qualified. Would it be perhaps a recently graduated person with a PhD, or a teacher who has been successfully teaching at that particular college for multiple years?
Fulton points out that last year at Whatcom half of the full-time English teachers were hired from in-house adjunct teachers and half from outside applicants.
“I think this speaks very well for our adjunct faculty,” Fulton said.
There are positive benefits to adjunct teaching as well.
“The health insurance is an extremely important benefit that the college contributes to,” said Toby Sonneman, an adjunct journalism teacher at Whatcom.
Fulton said that the state allotted Whatcom $67,500 for adjunct teaching salaries. They gave Whatcom the ability to match that amount, and the school did so.
“I don’t think many other colleges did that,” Fulton said.
For Tompkins teaching is a dream of his that has finally been actualized.
“This is what I’ve wanted to do for a long time,” he said.
The issues surrounding adjunct teaching are complex and not easily solved, and no one institution or person is to blame for them. But if it is true that education is a priority for this nation, it is important to work toward creating livable wages for America’s present and future educators.

TOO TIRED

2006-11-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

I can't blog,
I'm too tired.

I'm tired of studying,
too tired of testing, writing
and revising articles that seem
to big too write
and too small too publish.

I'm tired of getting up at 6 a.m.,
spending my whole day at school, then bus and walk my
way back home by 7 or 8 at night.

I'm tired of not
having enough friends,
or maybe having too many friends but not enough of the
kind I need right now.

I'm tired of feeling alone
on the other side of depression,
where most of my friends visit me from time-to-time
but never stay for long.

I'm tired of being a part-time mom
and a part-time dog owner, a part-time worker,
and a part-time lover(o.k. part-time lovin' aint so bad and
and actually, I could use a little more)!

I'm tired of not having enough time to divorce my husband.
I'm tired of "the city of subdued excitement"
and the lack of places to meet
awsome 30-ish women.

I'm tired of dating 20-somethings with
whom I don't have enough in common.

I'm tired of unquenchable desires
with no relief in site.

I'm tired of poets who only read their
poems in one rythm, Ani D style, which was
seemingly original when she did it, but is now
over used by every suburban coffee-shop poet from here to Nantuckette!

I'm tired of eating too many carbohydrates
because I don't have enough time to cook a proper meal.

I'm tired of living far away from loved ones.
I'm tired of missing them.

But right at this moment I'm tired of the word "tired", so,
good night.

Better my roomate than me!

2006-11-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

Today marks day three of R's labor;over 60 hours of hard,back labor!

The house is quiet now,likely for the last time, as G and R sit patiently at the hospital waiting for their little one to arrive.

R has been wretched pain for days now and just watching her go through that kind of agony is painful.

It makes me glad that I have opted out of birthing children of my own!

Well, i got to get back to the butt-load of homework that awaits me. Soon there won't be many quiet times left to work at home.

Building Walls

2006-11-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

"Anyone who trades liberty for security deserves
neither liberty nor security."
-Benjamin Franklin

What does America have in common with China and Saudi Arabia? We’re all nations building walls to keep out immigrants. As you may have heard, President Bush recently authorized the construction of a 700-mile wall separating the U.S. from Mexico.

Many people, including myself, see the construction of such a wall as socially and culturally destructive to the relationship between Mexico and the U.S., and encouraging racism against Hispanic people. The pending wall has been compared to the Berlin wall and the Great Wall of China: great historical examples of failed attempts to solve problems by simply erecting walls between countries.

Some people argue that illegal immigrants take jobs away from the American people and contribute to the decay of the U.S. economy. Many believe that anyone who desires to live and work in the U.S. should acquire the proper documentation and immigrate legally.

However, a recent article in the Times Herald (an online news source) revealed some interesting facts that support an opposing view to these arguments. For example, in Montgomery County, Philadelphia, the only economic and physical growth that has taken place in the last five years is due to immigration (legal and "illegal"). A city official said that immigrants actually help the economy grow but often find it difficult to migrate to the U.S. legally because of “exceptionally complex” immigration rules.

Migrant workers from China, Japan and Mexico have historically filled the majority of agricultural and other labor jobs in the U.S. These jobs are generally considered to be less desirable to the majority of U.S. citizens due to the low wages, lack of medical and retirement benefits and potentially harsh working conditions.

Instead of building a wall to keep Mexican people out of the U.S., perhaps we should start recognizing the ways that they benefit our society and figure out real solutions to illegal immigration that don’t threaten the livelihood of Hispanic peoples.

Better yet, the U.S could consider the reasons why Mexican citizens feel the need to flee their country, and perhaps, facilitate some needed changes there.

It would behoove us all to remember that unless we are of Native American descent, we all migrated to the U.S. at some point in time. We’re lucky that there was no wall or government keeping us from doing so then.

Why Vote

2006-10-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

By lollydancer

"So long as I do not firmly and irrevocably possess the right to vote I do not possess myself. I cannot make up my mind-it is made up for me. I cannot live as a democratic citizen, observing the laws I have helped to enact- I can only submit to the edict of others."
- Martin Luther King, Jr. Excerpt from "Give us the ballot, we will transform the south"

Whether you consider yourself a Democrat, Republican, Green Party, Independent or Libertarian, or even if none of the above represents you whatsoever, November 2nd is voting day and a strong turnout of young adults is essential to the betterment of this country and possibly the world at large.

While this is not a presidential election, the issues at hand are of great importance and will be the deciding factor in women’s reproductive rights, immigration, environmental issues, and foreign aid and policy.

Voters will also decide on a new attorney general, Supreme Court justice, state representatives, and who will fill the open position on the 3rd Court of Appeals. A plethora of local issues will also be determined.

Educating ones self on the issues, who the candidates are, and paying attention to the way proposed laws are worded, are essential to smart voting. Yet a bigger problem for many young people is convincing them that their vote will actually make a difference.

In a time when a president can take office with less than a majority of popular votes and pre-emptive wars are waged, it’s easy to see why so many are disheartened by the current political process.

Understandably perhaps, many young people simply choose to opt out of voting completely as a kind of dissent or refusal to support any part of the political system. Some feel politicians basically lie to the American public for personal gain or to ensure favorable political outcome that essentially benefits the rich, white male and his corporations, ignoring the needs of the younger generations, poor people, environment, and human rights.

Furthermore, some see the Electoral College as an archaic system that creates potentially unnecessary problems and renders votes relatively useless.

Although this kind of thinking is understandable and potentially valid, it is dangerous if it excuses people from exercising their constitutional rights. We must realize that by doing nothing, by allowing others to make laws and choose government without us and for us, we simply take away what power people still have to influence government and create laws.
To all such disheartened folks, I ask you to consider this:
- Various states, including California, Idaho, Oregon, Texas and Washington, became states by just one vote.
-In 1948, Lyndon B. Johnson, our 36th president, became a U.S. senator by a one-vote margin.
If the majority of the population refused to vote, women would not have voting rights and slavery would still be legal in this country.

Think of it this way, perhaps; if you don’t vote you, your voice is silenced and your influence neutralized. If you vote, you may help change the course of history, or better yet, decide what your future will look like, or change the current political system altogether.
One thing is for sure: If you don’t use your rights, you will lose them!

Hope

2006-10-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

I cling to hope for things unspoken
but screaming out inside
in tones so loud that they
etch them selves silently
on mortal beings.

Those familiar fears
disappearing fugaciously
in distracting moments of happiness,
then hauntingly return
in the quiet
of unrelenting trickery.

Beautiful Mamma

2006-10-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

Be well, Momma!
You have survived many hardships,
more than most.
So, heal quickly from your surgery and lets get
your feet dancing again soon!
We love you, ma.

Reprieve

2006-10-13T15:20:00.001-07:00

My days begin at 6 am and usually
end by midnight.

Classes and homework take up my time,
while friends and family are put on the back burner
for the most part. I feel slightly guilty about the lack of time I am
able to spend with others, but unfortunately in a way, there’s I can do about that for the time being.

I am frequently tired. Yet some kind of energy swirls inside me,
knowing that this is my life for now, but not forever.
"Just for now," I remind myself.

But rest finds me here and there
in unexpected moments of silence
and tenderness, and stolen time with people I love,
Just enough to keep me going.

And overall, I am doing well.
I feel at peace mostly, with few things in my life left undone.

The leaves are changing from green to shades of red, burnt orange, brilliant yellows, and shades in between.

Warm nights have become slightly colder, but the waxing and waning of the harvest moon is more visible than ever, since the clouds have all gone away.

Misty morning kisses leave a thousand dew-drops holding tightly to mighty blades of grass, waiting for the wind to exhale before surrendering to the earth below.

I am able to enjoy the beauty of nature a bit more since I've given up my car and now take the bus, walk (oh, so much walking), or ride my bike for transportation, which really is nice, especially since I spend the majority of the day inside.

Anyway, I feel pretty good these days.
I feel accepted and appreciated by the people I spend my time with. It's a like a huge breath of fresh air that I really needed!

Now I just need a morning where I can sleep in a little.

"Words," in honor of my new journalistic endeavor.

2006-09-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

"A word spoken
creates reality
if only for a moment."
-Me

There was a time when I believed that a word was just a word
like breath - like air,
almost nothing at all,
except that it gives us life.

Without breath we die
and in this knowledge nothing becomes everything.

"Words are things" my mother once told me.
"They have power and the ability to create reality, to bring into existence something that never was before," she said.

She explained that such power should be recognized and used with conscious intent.
Indeed, I have learned through expirience and error what beauty or tragedy words create!

Simple words like respect,
adoration,
forgiveness,
healing,
vacation,
sunshine, or
Freedom can induce great happiness in a person.

Contrarily, words like hate,
intolerance,
cancer,
death,
or break-up,
can annihilate feelings of contentment like a Napalm bomb.

Words can illuminate the mind and eradicate ignorance.
A word like "LIGER" can even make a person laugh out-loud.

A spoken word can
change everything in a New York-minute
and a new reality is transformed
for a moment or perhaps eternity.

The Darkest Hour

2006-06-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Trust me on this one;
I watched the moon melting
behind a thousand prayers
carried swiftly on fevered winds
across poisoned ocean waves.

Gather all your sisters,
oh easterly bright star,
and guide the universe
and her kin
through this her darkest hour.

Homeostasis

2006-06-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

As I reach for my green-plastic binder
for the final time this school year,
a strange feeling comes over me.

My tired fingers, exhausted from days of writing,
linger for a moment,long enough to enjoy the softness
of worn plastic; something that I hadn't taken notice
of in the days before.

I realize that my body is functioning in a kind of homeostasis
and has been for awhile now.

The ability to function through stressful times,
where much is required, but little strength is left to work with.
This is where my body kicks into survival mode,
regulating itself just enough to produce energy to
do the things I have to.

And I have done many of those things now...
time for a rest....

Attracted to the things that bring us pain...

2006-06-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

Why is it that humans so often choose
hardship over simplicity,
misery over pleasure,
sadness over gladness?

Too many times we choose (consciously or unconsciously) to wallow
in the sadness of life.
We choose to stay stuck in the mire of darkness and oppression,
instead of dancing in the light of all
things gloriously enchanting that life offer us.

We even choose to love people
who don't know love, rendering
them incapable of loving us back.

Or, we fall in love (and choose to remain there)
with people too clouded with sadness, drug abuse,
and self affliction, that they are unable to love
themselves (let alone someone else) in anything resembling
healthy love.

In this time of utter change and disruptiveness
in my life where I am displaced from my home and family and left wondering what
decisions to make next in my life,
feelings of sadness, anger, and frustration sometimes
creep over me, threatening to remain without my consent.

So each time I cry,
each time I get mad,
every time I feel unsure about my future,
or doubtful of my decisions,
every time I feel lonely,
I remind myself in various ways, that
happiness is waiting in the next moment.

I remember that life is a learning process
filled with beauty and darkness,
doubt and clarity,
joy and sorrow.

Then I actively pick my self up, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

A simple walk,
dance,
drum,
writing, or
interaction with a friend, animal,
or family member
who loves me,
reminds me of
the sweetness that awaits me in life, if I only choose it.

Sinking feeling

2006-06-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have a kind of sinking feeling lately
buried deep in my belly
or heart,
it's hard to tell which sometimes.

And I can't seem to figure out exactly what it's from,
heartbreak, loneliness, or something to do with love.

Perhaps my life is chalked so full of constant motion
(and I don't mean from being living on the boat, although motion exists there too),
that my innards can't keep from reeling to and fro inside me,
causing a sort of sick feeling that won't leave me alone.

Loneliness is definitely part of this experience though.

But it's not a "bad" loneliness (not the kind where I'd rather hurl myself from the
highest cliff, pummeling my limp body upon jagged rocks just before torrent waves
drag my lifeless carcass out to a watery burial, than to live another day).

No not that kind.

I think it's more the kind of loneliness that I need to feel right now.
The kind that I have to identify and negotiate within myself;
embrace it; recognize that it's a part of me for now,
accept the hurt instead of fighting it,
and learn to breathe through the pain.

This kind of Loneliness is new to me though.

It's kind of like getting to know a new friend
With whom I want
(or need) to explore, to find out where
their coming from and
then find a common ground where
together we can interact and communicate safely.

Hurt is another cause of this "sinking feeling".

Pain is more like it.

Yes, genuine pain that feels as if an appendage, or some internal organ
is being severed from body,
but without any anesthetic to numb the pain.
Sometimes I feel like I am silently
screaming inside; then bawling my eyes out.

I dare not allow the tears to flow out of me
too often,
for fear that I will
never be able to stop them
and
inevitably drown in my salty sorrow.

I heard in a song somewhere
that one should never cry
more tears than
they can hold in their hand,
and I think that's why.

I am exist within this internal realm
keeping in mind the one sure thing in this life;
things have,
and always will change.

P.S. Happiness is also very much part of my reality as well.
I don't mean to sound so bleak.
I am blessed every day with love, encouragement,
and a listening ear, from friends and fam.
I am grateful for the wisdom that I am finding through my beloveds
and
Through experiences such as this one.

Strangely unique

2006-05-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

Acutely aware of things that have been before, my reality or rationalization vs.
The clouded reality of 13, a hormonal scrambling of life.

Trying to assure the similarity of situations to those who can't see it just now.
Suddenly everything is different, reality changes.

Trying to figure out ways to convey that everything is relative to experience,a potential way for intense situations brought into perspective.

When the lights are out years from now, one hopes to be secure in choices they made.

"There's something that changes in the awareness of life as one matures," mom says. "One of the worst ways to handle life is too wait for things to get better," mom says.

External things change always and are essentially unimportant, what matters is what you do about it."

muddled, brown, muck is never comfortable, but it's something that we all have to deal with in life, no way to avoid it.

Boat Life

2006-05-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today is day three on the boat named TaDewin.

The first thing that I realized about boat life is the inability to be stressed out easily.
Perhaps the constant gentle sway of the ocean, lulling softly, has something to do with it, but my stresses quickly became less stressing.

Although, finding the special key to unlock the water hold, and a wrench to undo the propane tank from the fuel line, was a bit unnerving after searching in vain for more than an hour. I finally did find the key and a friend brought me a wrench, so hopefully tomorrow I will be equipped with water and fuel to heat it with (ah, the luxuries we take for granted until their gone!).

Once again I can put all the things I learned as a kid about survival into action, (living in the deep woods with no running water or electricity, crammed into one big bed with a bunch of sisters, hunting and farming for food…. all good-to-know stuff).

Even my pre-teen boy seemed to lose his "I'm- too- cool- for- you" attitude the moment he stepped on board, a change his sister immediately pointed out.

The second thing I noticed was how vivid my dreams became.
Every night so far, my dreams have been detailed and animated, not cartoon like, but with lots of movement and expression, involving various aspects of life and real-life-characters strangely woven together.

It reminds me of when I traveled to Europe by myself years ago.
My dreams became a world unto themselves, conjuring memories of childhood, old relationships, and unresolved issues, a kind of unconscious-self-therapy, induced by extreme change and unusual circumstances.

I remember one night in Munich...I woke up crying because of a dream I had about my sister "B". At that time she and I hadn't been close to one another for years because of a disagreement.
I remember writing her a letter in the middle of the night, because of the emotions that my dream had stirred up.

Life feels mystical and alive when simple things like dreams conjure feelings and reveal insight into our lives and even our psyche!

Today I didn't leave the boat until 8 p.m. when friends pulled me from my newfound- happy-place to go eat with them.

Until then, I chilled out, recovered from a late night, and used all kinds of avoidance behavior to resist homework.

I guess that should worry me.
Somehow it doesn't.

Thank God for boat life!

A Little Fuckey Around the Edges

2006-05-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaack!
And I'm not happy.
I have been sitting on my ass for over six hours writing papers that are due
And/or, slightly overdue.

Although, I did take a break just long enough to run to court, chow down a quick bite, get a call from a girl who proceeded to spew out one reason after another (like I care) why she hasn't called me in awhile, talk to my Ma (which I actually needed at that particular time).

Oh, and last and least... I spoke to my ex-asshole and realized, once again, what an ignorant, vengeful, greedy, pathetic, jerk he is!!

Not that I'm bitter at all.

Needless to say I feel a little fuckey....I think I just threw up a little in my mouth....YUK!!!

But, it's times like these when I really want a cigarette and have to remind myself that I don't smoke anymore.

I'm a non smoker; at least I am for today.

Yesterday my youngest sister became a heroin.
While on her way to school, Ched came to a sudden stop because of an overturned vehicle in the lane next to her.

Following suite to the genuine, caring person that she is, Ched jumped out of her car and went directly to the scene of the accident to find out if everyone was o.k.

According to Ched, the driver, a middle-aged mother of two, was already out of her car, and covered in blood. The vehicle was completely upside down and smoking profusely.

The woman was screaming hysterically that her babies were still in the car. So Ched ran over just as a young boy crawled out of the smoking vehicle. She got down on her knees, looked in the back seat and saw a baby strapped into a car seat hanging upside down.

Ched tried to free the baby unsuccessfully, until she found a bystander that had a slim exacto-knife. My sister crawled back under the vehicle and with one stabilized the baby into his/her (not sure which) seat and cut the straps of the car seat with the other.

She laid the screaming, yet safe, baby flat on the ground as not to jostle her possibly broken body.

After noticing the mother’s wedding ring, she asked the woman what her husband’s phone number was. Ched then placed a call to the husband to tell him about what had happened and which hospital he could meet his family at.

The woman then went into a catatonic state of shock.
Ched left the scene after giving the police a statement and waited for the paramedics to arrive.

WOW.
Ched has officially saved the lives of three people, two of which were very young.
I salute you little sister.

You are a true heroine and there are two little kids and a momma and poppa who are very thankful to you for your efforts and acts of bravery!

It's good to remember that anything, good or bad, can happen at anytime and anyplace.
It definitely makes my Fuckey day seem just a little better.

Perspective is a beautiful thing!

What does "Selah" mean?

2006-03-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

What Does Selah Mean?
by Chuck Missler
PURSUE THIS TOPIC:
ARTICLES
This Generation Shall Not Pass...

Q: In Psalms, we frequently encounter the word, Selah. What does it mean?

A: Selah means to lift up, or exalt. The word selah is from two roots: s_lah, to praise; and s_lal, to lift up. It is commonly assumed that this can also refer to a technical musical term showing accentuation, pause, or interruption, as the Psalms were, indeed, the hymnbook of Israel.1

Selah does connect the end of one strophe with the beginning of the next; and, in four cases it connects the end of one Psalm with the beginning of the next, thus uniting the two Psalms (Ps 3 with 4; 9 with 10; 24 with 25; and 46 with 47). Selah is, thus, a connector: it connects the two passages between which it is placed. However, it appears that selah is to connect with subject matter, not with music; with truth, not tunes. It is a "thought-link" which bids us to look back at what has been said and to mark its connection with what is to follow, or to some additional consequent teaching.2 It is neither the pausing on one subject nor the passing on from one subject to another, but it is the connecting of the two subjects together. Sometimes it is the structures that are connected. Sometimes it is synthetic, and adds a development of thought by connecting a prayer with that which forms the basis for it. Sometimes it is antithetic, and adds a contrast. And sometimes it connects a cause with an effect, or an effect with a cause.

Thus, if it be derived from salah, "to pause," it is not the instruments of music which are to pause while voices continue to sing; but it is our hearts which are to pause and to note the connection of precious truths. If it is derived from salal, "to lift up," then it is not the instruments which are to lift up their sound in louder degree, but our hearts which are to be lifted up to consider more solemnly the two truths which are thus connected.

Hey ya'll

2006-03-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

This is kind of fun. Take the personality test and see how they "label" you.
www.personaldna.com

This is my personal label..."Animated inventor".

Animated Inventor

What...

2006-03-17T09:41:00.001-08:00

My friends boyfriend, who happens to be of Jewish decent, told me that my name didn't mean "pause and meditate" like I had believed but that it meant "rock". Needless to say I was a bit confused, so I did some research and found this article. Please disregard Christian ramble but there is some knowledge to be gleaned from it.
-Selah

2006-03-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

St. Patricks Day

2006-03-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

What the hell is St.Patricks day anyway besides a reason to wear green(as if we need one) and get drunk?

Well, here's a

BRIEF HISTORY

St. patrick traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Some lore includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead. He also is said to have given a sermon from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Of course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, and some people think this is a metaphor for the conversion of the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday.

One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737. That was the first year St. Patrick's Day was publicly celebrated in this country, in Boston.

Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick's Day might have become so popular is that it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. One might say it has become the first green of spring.

Ass Slapping

2006-03-17T00:46:00.000-08:00

I should be working on homework and the last few assignments of this quarter, but instead I socialized.
What’s a girl to do?
I met some awesome new women tonight.
My new friend from class invited me to go to "M's" birthday party.
A great conversation ensued about the correct way to "ass slap."

M, the birthday girl, said that if there's one thing that she's learned in all of her 27 years of living it's the art or ass-slapping which entails the proper "cupping- of- the lower- buttocks technique.

I can't even put into what brought about this conversation, all I know is that my hand still hurts (and I think I left a bruise on "s's" ass)!

Here's to the wondrous woman of the earth!
Cheers!

Invictus

2006-03-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

I thought this poem was a good opening to my blog entry today: Check it...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquering soul.

In the fell clutch of curcumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-W.E. Henley

Survived another day

2006-03-14T11:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was one of those dreaded days that one must encounter in life, especially when going through any kind of process as I am.

Knowing that these days are unavoidable and "all part of the process" shines a dim light of perspective on an otherwise dark day. In other words, it helps me feel a little less pain while my heart bleeds over the pulmonary trunk, aorta, venue cavae, drowning me slowly in erythrocytes death.

O.K., so I can be slightly dramatic at times.
But that's the right of tortured souls!

The supportive sibling factor helps me in countless ways and did again last night.
I have the most amazing and insightful sisters (and brothers) that I could wish for.
For all the ways that we "kids" have been messed up by our childhood traumas, I must say that we turned out all right. Fuck that....most of us turned out down right amazing!

Which brings me, once again, to the realization that hardships help to create who we are, who we become, every part of us in all our glory?

Can't wait to see how all my current struggles will shape me a little differently tomorrow.

Fun and Fantasy

2006-03-12T03:31:00.000-08:00

I was invited to a surprise birthday party tonight. I went and had great conversations, met new people, laughed and stayed up way past my undefined bed time.

It was the first party that we would be attending as non-couple. Not together, very apart.
I wasn't sure how that would be but the circle of old friends and the tantalization of new ones was enough distraction that we never had to speak much to one another.

We interacted with individuals separately. It was O.K., even good.
It's a strange thing to be at a party with someone you have been married to and connected with for years and then to be single without any obligation to that person.

At one point there seemed to be a kind of silent wondering between the two of us as we settled into the awkward situation. Would one of us make a connection with someone there friendship or otherwise? If so, how would we react?

What would that be like to witness the other interacting flirtatiously, innocent or not, with another party-goer?
Uncomfortable, I silently decide to myself.

But there is movement here.
The room is alive with conversation, spoken and unspoken and such thoughts are soon swept away.

I drank red wine.
I ate good food, laughed, interacted, and listened to a brilliant variety of old and new music.
A few of us decided that we should talk about all the socially taboo issues that one should not discuss in lighthearted settings such as this. So we did.
We talked politics, religion, abortion, environment etc.
It was good.
By 12:30 a.m. most people had left and I found myself one of four people still hangin' round with the birthday boy.
We played pick up sticks with red licorice.

A boy began to overtly flirt with me and it was then that I decided that the time to leave had come. I found my way home with the brilliant moon lighting my path in the crisp, clear night.

Then I logged on and read what I was not looking forward to reading;
she’s falling for her.
She's holding hands and making plans, dancing, crying.

She is someone that I cannot be with and at the same time, she is someone that will never leave me.

I love her and yet I can never love her.

Honestly, I wish her to find happiness whoever she goes.
I wish love to surround her always and that she will feel needed and appreciated by those close to her.

I hope she has companionship and is able to experience intimacy with whomever she chooses to share herself with.
I honestly wish all of these things for her.

And somehow- at the same time- my heart sinks a bit when I read that she has found all that I have wished for her.

Life can seem so complicated and ambiguous at times,
but it is still exciting and hopeful nonetheless!

In the constant and ever-changing motion of human existence, it's hard to settle on one feeling or another for any great length of time.

On certain days this is a comforting acknowledgment.

my new do

2006-02-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

O.K. so this is my new haircutt and my first time uploading pictures onto my blog. I didn't intend to have so many on this page but I couldn't figure how to delete some of them once they were uploaded.

So, I chopped off my long hair and this is what I look like now. Like it or not.

Now I kinda can't wait till it grows back but I am having fun with it in the mean time!

Peace out, ya'll...

Love, Love, Love

2006-02-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day, Valentines Day, made for all kinds of love. Romantic love, love of friends and of
family.
Today I celebrate the power of love, ever healing the lonely and the broken.

I found this quote by Whitman that I thought was appropriate for the day.
May your days be filled with love!

"Love the earth and sun and animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others ... And your very flesh shall be a great poem".

Death Cab, Sunshine & Food

2006-02-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

The sunshine has been visiting us for the last few days here in the great northwest. Such a welcomed change from the drowning rain that was about to sweep us all away. Today was especially warm and bright. I spent the weekend in Seattle visiting with family. Kids gathered in the still-green lawn outside. With bare feet and no coats they kicked pale-pink balls, bounced around on pogo sticks, and skated up and down the sidewalks. The adults played there in the sunshine with the kids, kid-like themselves, and one couldn't help but spill smiles and gush giggles in the glowing warmth of the day.

After hair-cuts (which induced a pinch nerve in my neck), frolics and pizza, it was time to venture north to the home front once again. Realizing that I was late to B's potluck dinner and Meaningful Movie Night, I motated along at the speed of 80 Miles per hour, stiff neck intact.

I made it just in time for some left-over grub and a movie entitled "The Future of Food".
This is one movie that every one America should see, the sooner the better. It will blow your mind.
Essentially the movie offers an in-depth investigation into the disturbing truth behind the unlabeled, patented, genetically engineered foods that have quietly infiltrated grocery stores for the past decade and explores the health, social and economical effects of genetically modified foods (and we wonder why so many people, young and old, are getting cancer and other horrifying diseases). This movie allows the voices of farmers whose lives and livelihoods have been negatively impacted by this new technology to be heard. It exposes the political forces that are changing what we eat as huge multinational corporations try to control the worlds food and distribution. As disheartening as the movie was in some ways, it did offer some hope and alternative ways to obtain food such as community gardening, organic farming, and co-op lifestyles.
In the end, the movie left me feeling educated about food and the process that food goes through here in the U.S. and world wide, and wanting to share this important information with others. Thus this entry! If anyone out there is interested in more info about GM food you can go to www.thefutureoffood.com.

I have been craving new music lately, some that I know but didn't own (like B'hams own Death Cab for Cutie), and some that I am just becoming familiar with (like Imogen Heap which I am loving right now).
Down below are the lyrics to a great DCFC song.

Peace out!

"Passenger Seat"

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

Human Rights Victory: Humans Finally Granted Animal Rights

2006-01-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Last Friday a major victory was won for gays and lesbians living in Washington State. According to Bellingham Herald, with the help of one republican senator and countless democrats, Washington’s own Senator Christine Gregoire valiantly passed this civil-rights measure (House bill 2661) that adds "sexual orientation" to a bill that bans discrimination in the job market, housing, and insurance coverage. Apparently this bill was first introduced in 1977 but consistently failed to pass until now.

Another "freedom fighter", Representative Ed Murray from Seattle who has sponsored this particular bill for the last eleven years, received a standing ovation from the House when the bill was finally voted in. Washington now becomes the 17th state in the entire country that protects gays and lesbians in this way, and is one of only 7 states that protects transgender folks.

It is preposterous that farm animals have had far more legal rights to "humane" treatment and freedoms than most Americans are allowed; especially gays and lesbians
(see Animal Protection Act at www.nal.usda.gov/awic/legislat/awagertrn.htm).

I have included and excerpt from the actual Animal Welfare Act of 1998 so that you may see what I am talking about (Please don't get me wrong...I support animal rights and think that there should be far more laws protecting animals in America).

Section II

Animals

Article 2

l Husbandry

Any person keeping, caring for or required to care for an animal:

1. must provide the animal with food, care and housing appropriate to its species, its requirements and behaviour; THE SAME SHOULD BE PROVIDED FOR ALL HUMANS, Regardless OF SEXUAL ORIENTATION. I DOUBT THAT MANY ANIMALS HAVE BEEN DENIED WORK, HOUSING OR FOOD BASED ON THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. ANYONE OF YOU EVER OWNED A GOAT???

2. may not restrict the animal's possibility of species-specific freedom of movement to such an extent as to cause the animal pain or avoidable suffering or harm; PROTECTION FROM HARM OR AVOIDABLE SUFFURING AND POSSIBLE RESTRICTION OF HOMOSEXUAL-SPECIFIC FREEDOMS MUST ALSO EXIST!

3. must possess the knowledge and skills necessary for providing the animal with adequate food, care and housing in accordance with its behavioural requirements. WELL, CONSIDERING THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION... THE REMAINING THIRTY-THREE STATES MAY BE WAITING A WHILE LONGER FOR THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS TO BE PROTECTED BY LAW-UNLESS THEY HAVE SOME KICK-ASS POLITITIONS WORKING FOR THEM!

CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT THE WORDS "IN ACCORDANCE TO THEIR BEHAVIORAL REQUIREMENTS". COULD THEY SUGGEST THAT NOT ALL ANIMALS HAVE THE SAME BEHAVIORS? SHOULD WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO CONTEMPLATE, EVEN FOR A MOMENT, THAT HUMANS, THOUGH THEY ARE THE SAME SPECIES, MAY INATELY HAVE DIFFERING BEHAVIORS FROM ONE TO ANOTHER? GASP!!!

WHY IS IT THAT THE GOVERNMENT ACCEPTS EVEN PROTECTS, SUCH BEHAVIORAL DIFFENCES IN ANIMALS, YET OPPRESSES BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES IN HUMANS?

JUST A THOUGHT.........

Masturbari

2006-01-29T02:41:00.000-08:00

I could lay right down
on this cold , hard floor
slip my hand underneath
and roll myself around.
Flick of the finger,
click of the tongue,
and in a moment
heart, blood, breath
all in rhythm
in rhythm,
in rhhhythmmm
pulsating in the rhapsody
of an african drum

First born

2006-01-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Hey Oh-
This is my first personal blog. Some of my closest friends and fam will think me crazy to be putting my thoughts out into cyberspace for anyone to read. My sis says it's best to remain a mitty. Well, I guess I've never been very good at blending in, keeping my mouth shut, or remaining incognito. So, this space will be a place (for better or worse) where I will purge my self of my thoughts, feelings, rants, rages, and possibly some decent literary writings from time to time.
It's a bit late at night right now so I won't write at length. I'll just say hello and welcome myself to the great unknown, the great blogspot where anything can happen.
Cheers!